Blog entry for:

NOT a trash can, although he does carry all my garbage. been here done this, and i can say, yes i love my sponsor. for me, he is the best sponsor in the world and as i adjust to the added physical distance between us, things will settle in my internal world. because of his guidance over the past fourteen years or so, i am clean today and looking at starting another step cycle. there is the promised rainbow, now for the volcano.
last night in my TENTH STEP, i found myself angry at not saying something to two of my peers. i booked out after the meeting instead of calling them out for the predatory slime-balls that they appeared to be. it seems that these days, i am far more critical of those who have some “time,” as it is the second in time in the past two weeks, i was pissed off and i am wondering how i ever became such a thin-skinned, whiny little baby. in each instance i was not only offended, i also walked away, rather than calling out the people i perceived as raging a$$holes. in both cases, i am quite sure that the rationalizations, justification and flat out denials will fly when confronted and that really does not matter, as that is their shite. my part, sad as it is, is that by NOT saying something i am giving my tacit approval to their assholery. guess what, that does not sit well with me, hence the mind dump i am having today. the ironic part may be, that once again, by referring to events in the nebulous manner i have grown used to, that what i am saying will probably not score the hit, that pulling them aside and saying: ”listen douche bag, who the fVck do you think you are?!”
enough of the passive-aggressive bullshittery this morning, the other thing on my mind, is the pain meds i may or may not walk out of the periodontist office with this afternoon. what is, just is. making this particular amends to myself is becoming very painful and not in a spiritual manner. financially and physically, this whole process is draining. rather than face up to the fact that i am anxious about the whole thing, i am certain that there is a bit of mood shifting going on. unlike one of my peers, who proclaims their years free form: “mind and mood altering substances, including alcohol,” i am just clean today. i show up at meetings, i serve the fellowship that has given me this gift of clean time and more than ever i keep the steps an active part of my life.
today i am FREE from active addiction and not substance abuse and the distinction is very clear. i can be all messed up over what may not even come to pass, or i can let go, do the next right thing and have a little bit of FAITH, that there are people who have my back and will provide me the strength i may or may not need, to get through today and the next few days. one of those people, thank GOD, is my sponsor and i think i will give him a call this afternoon, on my way to the event i am dreading most, Osseous surgery 4+and its aftermath.

∞ DT ∞