Blog entry for:

that my sponsor has so freely given me.
some times i feel like a nut, some times i just get into the grammar Nazi mode and change what i take as my seed to fit my over-wound sense of what sound good. today, i feel a bit of both and as a result changed it up a bit. so for the second snow storm in a row, my little city has been in the so-called sweet spot. what was one to three inches south of town turned into over five here, so the snow is really starting to pile up in my yard and flower beds. if this is El Niño, you can have it! a bit of a weather whine, because of course i realize that i have as much power over the weather as i have over addiction, or the addiction of the men i sponsor.
i spoke yesterday of one of those who returned, albeit for only an hour, after years of being in the wind, and as i sat this morning, my mind was on one of the men i currently sponsor, and how powerless i am over where he seems to be headed. as much as i would love to give him, what my sponsor has given me, i realize that he has to be willing to accept it/ being human, i get butt-hurt when my offerings are spurned, so generally i just stop offering. i give up to be succinct and accurate, even though i know the spiritual principle of HOPE is being tossed into the proverbial sh!tcan, when i do exactly that. as i st here this morning, enjoying a cigar before heading over to my home group, i certainly understand what the men who sponsored me, must have felt from time to time. i rarely call my current sponsor, thinking that a text is good enough and what i am learning, is that may not always be the case. just as the snow keeps piling up, so does the sh!t in my head, and just like the sun and wind remove the winter wonderland from my yard, so does a phone call to my sponse. where i end up going, is that it has been so long since we spoke to each other that he needs a break from whatever craziness i have accumulated in my head. all of a sudden i am way to fVckered up to just call and say “hi, how are you doing!” then the “national call your sponsor day” comes along, and i feel guilt-ridden and ashamed i have not included him in my life.
honestly i feel that since there are no ginormous issues in my life, i need not bother him with the penny-ante crap that is day to day living. i talk myself out of picking up the phone, just to check in and see how he is doing. i tell myself after all, i ma not that sort of needy, touchy-feely new age kind of guy, and he already knows that, so why belabor the point. and then all of a sudden it has been months since we last spoke.
today, well i have sent off a text and a bit later i might actually make that call. i am clean today, because of the offerings he has given me and despite those i too have spurned. as the changes to my life take effect and start to affect me, i am struck by how self-centered and self-absorbed i can be, at least in this respect. anyhow, and yes i know what that means, i guess i could stop being so maudlin and move along. accept that i am not perfect, i still have a long way to go to achieve that milestone and do my utmost to do a bit better than i did yesterday. it is a good day to be clean and i am grateful that i have a sponsor, even when i try to pretend that i do not. it is a good day to celebrate my active program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞