Blog entry for:

of recovery information, but hardly a demigod of spiritual principles. i know my sponse is human and i will certainly reach out to him today and let him know how much i appreciate his guidance and his presence in my life. the other night as i was talking to a peer from out of town, a member of the local fellowship inserted themselves into the conversation and the topic was quickly changed to how direct we were with other members, ourselves and yes our sponsors. i was asked directly whether or not i would offer “feedback” to my sponsor, if i saw him doing something that was not kosher. my answer was yes, of course i would, as we have a relationship based on respecting each other. that was not what they wanted to hear and they never let the conversation return to where it was, before they jumped in. this is not the first time that i have had a conversation hijacked by this member and will not be the last. i will say this, however, the next time they attempt to hijack a conversation, i will be very blunt and direct and ask them what the F*CK they are doing and who the F*CK they think they are? yeah, there is more than a little bit of anger still lingering from two nights ago, that i need to address. the fact that i allow someone to be so disrespectful, without calling them out, is certainly on me. when i OWN what is mine, i can take the actions i need to correct it. the issue here, as pointed out numerous times by my sponsor, is that i am bad at determining what it is that i do own and what is everyone else's stuff.
something that is my “stuff&$8221; is my obsession with my desire to use tobacco. yesterday the obsession was on me all day long and i forgot to ask to have it removed. yes i looked at my “cheat day” with gleeful anticipation. it happened and i was not overly impressed by the outcome, in fact it was rather underwhelming. after making my appointment to be tested, the fantasy has been in my head about returning to a life of being a brother of the leaf, as it were. it is a fact that i see myself stopping at a convenience store for a $0.79 fix and lighting up in the parking lot before i drive away on Friday morning. as ridiculous as that sounds right now, all day yesterday that got worked over and reworked over in my head, as the obsession grew way out of any sensible proportion. the only thing that drove it to the recesses of my conscious mind, was a 3.5 mile run. as i sit here this morning i see that what i have i am so willing to give away and not in a good sense. i ran sub-10 minute miles for the first time since i returned to a program of fitness, and that result, is a direct result of not smoking. my resting pulse rate is in the mid-60's now and i am dropping more than a few inches of years of neglect off my torso. all of those are the results of choosing not to smoke, and yet, the siren song of “i can have it all,” is pulling me back and getting me to rationalize all sorts of crazy notions. i have two days to sort this little conundrum out and i guess i will need a minute or so with my sponse to provide me the direction i seek. that too, is probably just as it should be and for right now, i can put this to bed and get on down the road to another day in the real world. it is a good day to be clean and have someone in my life that can guide me to the place i desire to be.

∞ DT ∞