Blog entry for:

to seek the answers within myself. once again it is national **call your sponsor** day and i will send a text in a little bit. since my sponse moved down south, i have been worse than ever, with keeping in touch with him. i resolve to at least text him every week, and one week turns into eight or nine. i speed through his home town once a month, in my rush to “beat” traffic over the Palmer Divide, as pointless and futile as that is, always telling myself i will see if he has a minute for coffee, the next time i come through. the only good part, in my failure to communicate, is that my hair is not on fire, my life is not a nuclear disaster and my a$$ is not hanging out, just for today. which of course, is all the more reason to reach out, just to say: “hi, how are you doing?” so enough of the mea culpas and chest beating, i will continue to resolve to do better and see how i can implement that notion into my life.
after going through all the self-flagellation of not being a good enough sponsee, the next thing i heard this morning was a theme echoed my one of my peers on Saturday. they spoke of being tired of “having to ask for help.” i never , ever wanted any sort of help, when i walked into the rooms, in fact even the notion of admitting i needed help, was an anathema to me. asking for the help i did not believe i needed was just an act, to blend into the crowd, a behavior i was well-practiced at, and when my first sponsor, let me roll on down the road, i was quite certain that i was “cured” and ready to face the world without the support of anyone from within any 12 STEP recovery program. off i was, to the races that lasted approximately 90 days or so, before my world came crashing down around me, in a basement apartment in New Jersey. that night, i finally had my first clue, that for me, this was more than just being compliant with the legal requirements foisted upon me by the justice system. i realized that i did not want to use, i could not do that myself and i needed help. it was still nearly another 30 days before i got a sponsor, but that too is because i am stubborn, proud and self-obsessed. that is a decision i have never regretted and even though i am not the most attentive sponsee in the world, i still am one.
so just for today, i will head on out to the new office and see what i can do for my employer, to justify the big bucks they are paying me and oh yeah, call my sponse.

∞ DT ∞