Blog entry for:

has yet to fail me in my time of need and i need to remember to be there for him. when i return to this reading, year after year, i reflect on the last time i reached out to my sponsor and what i offered him. in years past, this day has been one of shame for me, as i had neglected to keep in touch with my sponse and was all butt-hurt that most of the men who call me their sponsor had not reached out to me. over the past year, things have changed. taking a suggestion for my sponsor, i txt at least every week and in those txts i ask how he is doing as well as reporting on my current state of being. it may not seem as if it is a big deal, but it keeps me thinking about who i am and where i am in my recovery. more importantly it lets him know that i am still alive and kicking and doing this recovery gig to the best of my ability, just for today.
this morning, after a weekend of football results that were very much to my liking, i see that getting butt hurt over the unmet expectation of my sponsees calling me to express their gratitude is both dangerous and certainly a symptom of self-entitled bullshit. the spooky part, at least for me, is that i can rationalize having those feelings because i … the fact is, that little bit of less than stellar behavior and the feelings that arise out of it, is a symptom of the approval seeking behavior that is slowly losing its influence over me. ironically the person i once so sorely needed approval from, is the last one in the world i now require any sort of approval from and those with whom provided little to no approval to me, are now the ones i most desire to get me some. that certainly feels as if there is certainly some more work to be done here. 😜
returning to the here and now, i can be okay taking care of myself. i sent an e-mail off to the management company asking about my HOA checks, i sent off the winnings to the second place fantasy football manager, i have submitted my time sheet for last week and i am ready to get dressed out and hit the streets on this very warm winter morning. what i keep coming back to, is a sense of well-being, even though i stayed up way too late last night, watching a football game that turned out the way i desired. that was a choice and this morning i am paying the price. it will be a heavily caffeinated day, but i am okay with that as well. it is after all a great day to have the support of someone who knows all my secrets.

∞ DT ∞