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the tricky part, for me, is to recognize what is going on, and DO something about it.
i have this hard and fast rule, IF i encounter one or two assholes in a day, it is probably them, IF most everyone i interact with is an asshole, the problem is probably me, and i have to see what is really going on.
just like any rule, there are a few exceptions, but that is not worth going into today. this simple rule, has saved my bacon more than once, as it usually means that there is something lacking in my daily program. since i am such a creature of habit, as doing this exercise is evidence of, my daily maintenance is not the issue. what is the issue is how well i do that stuff. when i am less than serene, and it happens more often than i care to acknowledge here and now, what i discover is that i am just “phoning” it in. i am spouting the party line, ignoring what i really think, i am using my morning quiet time to plan my work day, i am snoozing through my daily inventory, i have decided that just for today, the rules do not apply to me, or some other sort of insane behavior. i CAN say that i did the work, and while i went through the motions, the work lacked any sort of effort on my part. when this happens day after day, it becomes especially troubling for me, as now i begin to think that maybe, just maybe, i have joined the normal world, and i can use successfully.
YARGHH, what a crappy way to go. it is more than a little disturbing that after some days in a row, doing this gig, that i can revert back to that sort of thinking. the symptom of lack of FAITH in the program i have made my lifestyle is certainly evidence that i am powerless over addiction. i truly believe that when my FAITH in the program falters, so does my serenity, and as my serenity decreases my FAITH falters that much more, creating what for me can be a dangerous feedback loop. recognizing that process has started is key, and readings like this one, remind me to check to see what the state of my program is in real-time, as this feedback loop can be broken.
HOW? by returning to the basics, calling and addict and telling him exactly where i am spiritually and emotionally. calling my sponsor and arranging time to sit down with him. getting to a meeting and sharing honestly about what is going, then shutting up and listening to what those other addicts have to tell me. if i am responding to them with ‘I KNOW’ and ‘YES, BUT’ things have gotten a whole lot worse than i ever imagined, as i have moved into untreated addiction.
as dire as all of this sounds, the solution is right there, open my mind, and accept what i have been given. look at what i have and remember what i did not have when i came to recovery. make the effort to learn from my bad attitudes and behaviors, instead of sweeping them under my emotional carpet. and by all means, make the effort that i am worth, to return to the path of active recovery.
so yes, this is the party line. and yes, i espouse it very well, one of the gifts of hanging around, is that certain things get hammered in and seem to stay here. i realize all of this, and yet, this morning i feel nothing wrong about marching in step with recovering addicts around the world. so in conformity and unity, i think i will jump into the shower and see what i can get accomplished today.

∞ DT ∞