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from a lack of daily maintenance? certainly an idea worth exploring. i have found myself less willing to be open-minded to the HOPE that maybe some leopards can change their spots. i have found myself leaving meetings pissed off and inconsolable. i continue wonder in total amazement how the fVck such an thin-skinned, narcissistic idiot got became the POTUS. most of all, i find myself growing more discontented with what i have, what i am building and the path i am on, and unwilling to attempt to make any changes. so in this morass of things “not quite right,” what is it that keeps me coming back, and coming back clean? that is, most certainly, an interesting question. i can tell you this, that my daily maintenance program has not lagged and even though i have yet to start a new round of steps, i have finally accepted that there is something unfinished in my last round of steps that i need to complete. perhaps the source of my irritation, is the cognitive dissonance of who i think i am: a “step worker;” and who i have become: “a step camper.” there certainly is a part of me, that feels that i am not doing enough to progress and that i need to “think” my way out of this state, rather than feel the direction i need to move forward with my program of recovery. which brings me back to something i heard last night, well actually a couple of things. the first being the line: “willingness without action is just a fantasy.”
my sponse keeps telling me to stop trying to think my way out and allow myself to feel. i am far from one of those who has the ability to contemplate his navel until the answer springs into fruition and is evident, i want to do something NOW, dammit i all. i have the willingness to do something, what i lack is the willingness to do nothing and allow what i need to become evident. the action here, as counter-intuitive as it may seem is to do nothing but watch, listen and carry my passion for the program that has brought me here, top those who may need or want it. immediate gratification has seemed to be part of my DNA, from the very beginning and up to this point , even in my program., i could write a bit, think a bit and share with my sponsor, and move on. now i have to sit, and sit and sit and wait for the enlightenment that may come tonight or may not come for another year or so. that uncertainty is driving me nuts and is probably at the core of my growing dis-ease with the way my life is today. what i am suffering from is the result of unmet expectations of myself and who i have come to believe i am. the result is a shifting of blame on everything and everyone else. friends who say one thing when their a$$ is in a sling and then do something else. the FNGs that have only the notions of recovery from treatment to share at meetings. the resident creeps who stalk and ponce. it is all of them who are at the root of my discontent, not the fact that i cannot GET what i want, namely the direction i DESIRE to start a new round of steps. for the first time in my life, i am reacting to my INABILITY to work steps, which if one looks at iy, is more than a little ironic. after all, i was the member who was only going to work six steps: 1,2 3, 10, 11 and 12. now that is the reality of my program today, i am all sorts of butt-hurt and miserable.
so by identifying the problem, the next trick is to find the willingness to take the action suggested by my sponsor: be at peace and allow myself the freedom to feel my way to my next set of steps. i have to put my FAITH in this recovery program into action, instead of forcing into the box that fits with who i think i am today. i have to allow myself the time to learn a bit of patience with myself, so i can be more patient with those around me. the first phase of this waiting is something i uncovered last week. it is me who has to carry the message to those who have yet to find it, not me who has to hear what it is they are trying to sell. i can and will take the action i have been hearing, when i choose to listen, which is things are not as bad as i am making them, live my FAITH, carry the HOPE and be at peace, more will be revealed.

∞ DT ∞