Blog entry for:

my serenity is slipping, it is crucial that i TAKE action. what that action happens to be, is often the most contentious of the decisions i choose to make. not that i am war with the world around me, when i finally reach this point, no it is the war within that is quite destructive and bitter. most of time, when i reach this place, my very first and one might say intuitive thought is to say fVCK it, and walk away. walk away from recovery, my job, my responsibilities and from those with whom i share my life, by returning to the comfortably warm and numb cocoon of chemical release. i am, more than certain, that just one of anything, will restore my serenity and then i can come back and face the world, refreshed, renewed and ready to take on any herculean task.
the fact that i even consider a chemical vacation from reality as a possibility to address life on life's terms says volumes about who and what i am. the fact that this is the first idea, that may pop into my head as a reaction to the new life i have been given, drives home the point even more. finally, the fact that i can even consider it to be a “one off” experience is the final nail in my coffin. it only makes sense to a person like me, that this is a reasonable and rational alternative, and the amount of rationalization and justification needed to reach this point, is hardly worth mentioning, as denial and nostalgic recall are the operative factors here.
what then, are the alternatives for a person like me, a hopeful and dopeless addict, who chooses to be a member of the “no matter what” club? well…
there is always listening to what was written in the reading this morning, go to am extra meeting this week, call my sponsor, blow the dust off my step work, or even more basic: ask the POWER that fuels my recovery, fore the strength and yes the intelligence i need to move forward into recovery and not slide back into the life i have left behind. with the cluster of relapses in my local fellowship lately, and most of them seem to be very similar in nature, based on my cursory analysis, it is not the crush of responsibilities that will take me out, it is the avalanche of feelings that life brings, that will be my undoing. the lessons i learned from watching them decide that using is a good option? just stay clean, no matter what i think of the people i share my recovery with today. \just stay clean, no matter how overwhelmed i feel. just stay clean, by exercising the program that has brought me to this place. and oh yeah,
DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING TO ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE IN MY LIFE, AND MY RECOVERY!
pretty simple and amazingly easy, if i just allow myself to be present and pay attention. the hour grows late, however and it is time to get moving down the road today. yes i really am okay, i have yet to encounter more than two as$$holes in a single day, so far this week. i did not give the middle finger salute to any driver, with whom i shared the road in several weeks. and i have not jumped down anyone's throat in over 5 days. all in all, still a good day to be clean and live a life in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞