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remark about how great the weather was, and i replied IT STINKS? an interesting question and depending on the context, perhaps the response is not only valid, but highly appropriate. this is not the recovery you are looking for, move along…
the point that the reading was making, i get it, is that my lack of living a program, can leak out to the real world in dribs and drabs or in torrents of nasty, inappropriate responses to the every day, normal progression of life. the symptoms of not talking care of myself, are often more evident to those around me, than to myself, and depending on how far i have gone, they may even muster up the nerve to tell me, how messed up i am.
there seems to be this theory around the rooms that even though one wholeheartedly denies it clean time DOES equal recovery. when i get messed up internally, the last thing i want to do is share about it in a meeting, and yet i know i have to share something. so i share about nothing, parroting back the clichés and bumper stickers, with a bit of flair and panache. or even worse i sit silently in the back of the room, avoiding eye contact with anyone who might be able to see that i am suffering from lack of taking care of myself. “after all,” i think, “if they really know how much i have invested in looking good and how little i have invested in being okay with myself with or without…”
in the mean time, i am a menace to navigation on the roads, snippy and snappy at work, lack the energy to do anything but couch-potato in front of the TV and wonder why the fVck i am even bothering, those people in the rooms do not care about me and would never miss me if i stopped showing up. so the cure? well the solution to be less than spiritually fit anyways, for me, it is to return to what has worked so well, for many days in a row. back to the basics -- namely admit who and what i am -- an addict. not a recovering or grateful or any sort of modifiers kind of addict, just a plain old, dyed-in-the-wool, garden variety addict. once i accept that, i have decision to make, do i want FREEDOM from active addiction today. to say NO, is a journey into insanity, but NO is a perfectly valid response. today the answer is YES, i do want to maintain my FREEDOM, so i surrender my will and my life unto the POWER that fuels my recovery and walk forward into my day. luckily i have been around for a few more days and have learned the value of stopping to listen to my heart before i step out into the real world, and listening to my head before i close down for the night, as part of the spiritual parentheses that surround my day. when i add a meeting, talking to another recovering addict and step work into the mix, low and behold i am not the sh!t i was yesterday. well, today i am somewhere between spiritual giant-hood and total craptitude, as is the case most days. today, i want to be a bit more than yesterday, and have found the means to do so, one day at a time. so i think i will jump in the shower, scrape the whiskers off my face and head on out for another day in the so-called real world, such as i am.

∞ DT ∞