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at least as far as my attitude is concerned is a tricky state for me to assess, as i tend to see things on the darker more cynical side. for some of my peers, that worldview is not positive enough and it seems as they see me as a Debbie Downer. the fact of the matter just happens to be, in my spiritual path there is no “positivity” or “negativity,” everything just “is.” i have to respect those who live their lives trying to suss out the positive aspects of each and every situation, or who choose to only share the bright and shiny stuff/ my job is not to judge the veracity of that are offering, but to listen, accept it as genuine and evaluate whether it adds anything to my life.
for the past two weeks, someone who i do not respect has shown up at my home group, whining about why they do things the way they do. i am not self-centered enough these days to think that they are sharing at me, but it certainly feels as if they are attempting to rationalize and justify their nasty bad behaviors in the past. when they share, i have trouble getting past my own pile of crap that has been built up because of my interactions with them and i want to say shut the fVck up you phony poser and peddle your psycho-babble bullshit elsewhere. is that a symptom of a bad attitude, or just a reflection on the reality of my life?
that last question was of course, rhetorical. what i do not do, these days anyhow, is share my opinion of them with any of my peers. it is not out of fear of my opinion getting back to them, that keeps me quiet, it is out of self-respect. i no longer feel that devaluing myself by sharing my opinions of those with whom i recover. if asked about them, i will provide a “cliff notes” version that leaves out most of my gritty feelings and impressions and focus on the verifiable facts. i esteem myself too much these days to fall into the trap of making others look bad, as i am quite certain they can do so, all by themselves. it is my experience that in the long run, everyone ends up showing their “true colors.”
as i do not feel like exercising in the snow today, i think i will bundle up and get my butt to the Rec Center. part of respecting myself is doing what i NEED to do on a daliy basis to keep myself healthy and fit. physically that means a bit of exercise. emotionally, it means letting go of that which i have no popwer over and accepting that is what it is. spiritually, it means doing my best to live this program of recovery and not just walk through life checking boxes and spouting bullshit to show how “evolved” i happen to be.

∞ DT ∞