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what simple things i have not been doing? the symptom? letting outside events and behaviors take over and control my thoughts and emotions. the solution? well as this reading suggests, look at what it is that is lacking from my program. the problem is, that i am such a creature of habit there is very little activity missing from my daily program. i pray, i meditate, i go to meetings, i serve the fellowship and i do my personal inventory. all of that gives me some grace, and yet there is an itch i want to scratch, spiritually speaking. so the problem goes a bit deeper than that. although it may be a part of “ADVANCED RECOVERY,” it more than likely is quite simple nevertheless.
looking backward through the steps, the first red flag i come to, is my stalled FOURTH STEP. that brings up the question, of why i am not just writing on it. oh i could rationalize and justify it by saying i LACKED material, but that direction has been given, all i have to do is listen. as i shared at the meeting last night, i have come to believe that is exactly the problem I AM TURNING A DEAF EAR to what the POWER that fuels my recovery is trying to tell me! which takes me back one more step to the whole surrender gig. where have i got the notion that i am driving this bus?
there are a million little pieces, scattered all over the place that when reassembled could explain it, BUT why do i need to go there? honestly i have come to see, that this is a program of action and asking why and dwelling on it does absolutely nothing to advance the solution. the real question i need to address, is how to i get back to a place where FAITH is my driving force, instead of my self-will. the answer is quite simple and sounds like a super bowl ad, JUST DO IT!
there is no mystery here, there is no magic here, simply a lack of DESIRE to go there. yes,m i want the gifts and having returned to the notion, that i am responsible for what is going on in my lief is dangerous. i never could stop using. i never could apply ,myself to finish a project. and i never could allow myself to believe in, much less have FAITH, that there IS a POWER that could and would provide me the opportunity to have everything i need and a whole bunch of what i desire. the simple fact is, i am not and certainly do not NEED to be driving this bus. what i NEED is to let go, exercise my personal power where it has been granted and allow the true POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of ITS part of this deal. i do have a purpose in life, and although i am mostly clueless about what it is beyond staying clean today, i can focus on the part of which i am sure. returning to my FAITH that if i keep my eyes and ears open, i will get everything that i need. my sponsees who are choosing to do what they do? well they too have a decision to make, an i cannot force them to do what i am doing, all i can do is tell them what i see and leave the rest up to the powers that be, whatever they happen to be today.
my action? affirm my THIRD STEP decision to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for MY WILL and MY LIFE and do the next right trying, which right here and right now happens to be, composing my response to one of those men, who i think is not paying any attention. it is a good day to take simple action and stay clean, just 'cuz it is!

∞ DT ∞