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as a result i am no longer limited to my old ideas, although there is a part of me, that believes those ideas may still be valid.
going over this reading in my head, i was struck by the number of behaviors it listed, that were part of my repertoire of daily living, when i came to recovery. as i go through the list, there are still more than one, that feel appropriate from time to time. no this is not some sort of full on double rainbow sort of experience. nor is it a place to pick up my spiritual baseball bat and start thrashing myself soundly. what this is, for me this morning, is the opportunity to get a grip on the reality that is my recovery.
i have heard it said, and more than once, that any behavior i am currently engaged in, is CURRENT behavior not OLD behavior, PERIOD. to use the former term, talks a bit of the sting away, and feels like looking in the mirror spouting positive assertions about myself. to me, such psycho-babble techniques of boosting my self-esteem, looks like a band-aid, rather than any sort of actual healing. sure, a band-aid can help prevent further damage but spiritually it seems like it is covering up the problem, rather than actively doing anything about it. i have discovered, that over the course of my recovery, i am neither as fragile nor as sensitive as i once thought i was. sure, my feelings can get hurt, sure i can cry at a moment's notice and most assuredly i can feel wounded or broken. all of that being true, none of that has ever killed me, and my FEAR of any of that is unfounded and irrational. it derives from ideas that still persist, that my feelings are something that NEED to be changes. an idea of ancient origin, whose true purpose has been lost to my overwhelming amount of life experience since. the choice i can make today, is to cave into something that was never very healthy to start with, or to allow a new idea to be implemented in its stead. that new idea? that i NEVER NEED TO CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL!
what a concept. allowing myself to be tossed upon the oceans of feelings and emotions. accepting that i am powerless over how i feel, and changing what i can, my reactions to my unpredictable and sometimes whimsical feelings. allowing myself to be comfortable, even when the most uncomfortable feelings arise. and using those feelings for direction as to what i will be doing next. in other words, allowing myself to be human, accepting my humanness and participating in my life full on, instead of a series of fleeting encounters with life on life's terms.
those so-called old behaviors? well in this new context, i can evaluate them and decide in real-time whether or not they serve any purpose in the current scheme of things. honestly, the ones on the list this morning, probably do not, and are certainly shortcomings i CAN humbly ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to remove. more importantly allow myself the FREEDOM , to be who i am, rather than the automaton that walked into the rooms, driven by a NEED to FEEL NOTHING, REACT DEFENSIVELY, and EKE OUT MY VENGEANCE ON THE COLD AND CRUEL WORLD THAT SURROUNDS ME.i like having choice today and i am certainly going to do my best to make sane, sound and healthy choice today. if i stumble? well i can forgive myself for being less than perfect, i am after all only human, and active addiction did rule my life for 25 or 26 years, depending on how i count. as my friend Joe often says, it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞