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it can and does will drain me of all my positive energy. of course, it could also be said that it fills me with negative energy, looking at the inverse theory. all of that is really a silly argument, as i have moved beyond judging the ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ of my makeup. what i look at instead, is whether or not a particular behavior or attitude, is getting the end result i desire. that shift in viewing stuff does change everything.
the reading today, flows so well into my theme of yesterday that i am just amazed by where it took me. once again, it takes me to a place where i get to choose whether or not i will be a victim, especially to myself. self-pity, allows me to play the victim, and best of all it deflects the responsibility for that victimization on to someone else. all of a sudden i can wail and moan about how terribly unfair this and that may be, and guess what NONE OF IT IS MY FAULT. BOOM, LIKE MAGIC IT IS GONE!
great work when you can find it.
living in a cruel, cold world, the victim of forces far beyond my control, allows me the freedom to indulge in self-pity. if i do not like the way i am being treated, someone is picking on me. i do not have to look for the real reason, like perhaps i was an asshole, nah, that cannot possibly be the problem, after all they are all out to get me, and if i do not watch my step… if i do not have enough bucks to go on a vacation,it is of course the people who are hiring me to blame, it cannot possibly be that i overspent with no regard for the future.
there is a convenient scapegoat for all the problems in my life, when i walk the path of self-pity, and best of all, i need not do anything but bitch about how awful this and that just happens to be, after all i am powerless. so the program provides an out for this behavior, or at least on the surface. one could argue since i am powerless over my addiction, and my addiction took certain traits and morphed them into character defects that can only be removed by the POWER that fuels my recovery, i am doomed. the feedback cycle is complete, and i can dwell under the cloud of self-pity and be comfortable in that warm pile of excrement.
I AM NOT, HOWEVER POWERLESS OVER MY RECOVERY! that is what i heard the past two days, and that is what i heard once again this morning. how far i want to take my recovery program out into the real world in my choice. when i choose to live in a world colored by self-pity, i am precluding the option to live a program of responsible and active recovery. not that active recovery and living in self-pity are mutually exclusive, but they do come very close to being so, since active recovery is about taking responsibility for my life and self-pity is blame shifting.
do not get me wrong. there are victims in this world, and i have been one myself, especially to the ravages of active addiction. my choice today, is to move past what has happened, forgive those who victimized me, whether real or imagined, and walk forward into taking responsibility for who i want to be today. self pity prevents that from happening for me and as the reading suggests active recovery and being grateful for making it out alive, can be the substitute for living in a self-piteous state. i am what i am, and i am grateful for the opportunity to be more today, or less if i choose to be. right now, i choose to hit the streets and be a bit less that i am right now. it is a great day to be clean!

∞ DT ∞