๐จ clean-time does not ๐จ
Posted: Sat, Mar 8, 2025 02:24:17 PM
make me immune to pain or problems, so i am eligible to be the still suffering addict on any given day. over the past few days, i have been writing about what happened a year ago and how i was certainly the still suffering addict. although i often shared about my pain and angst in my home group, i minimized away my feelings, as i did not believe they rose to the point of being that still suffering addict. what that got me was a spin down into insanity that led me to the place of turning into a parking lot where i could purchase a legally available substance that used to be part of my daily life. on this side of all of that, with the benefit of a year more of recovery, i see the fallacy that clean-time will suffice, was my main go to, as i got worse and worse. perhaps the next time i fell myself sliding down into that maelstrom, i will remember that i too, am eligible.
today, as i sat and listened to what was being shared at my home group, i realize that i have found the ways and means to be grateful for my recovery and what it gives me in the here and now. that gift kept me clean, when i had the desire to use and allows me to see that the shit that happens around me, is not stuff i need to take personally. life in my skin, while far from perfect, is far from heinous today and i am not out seeking relief from my feelings and the manner in which i react to them. as unmotivated as i have been at work lately, i know that i have to pick up my pace and actually give my employers what they pay for. ever since i failed to land my dream job, i have been disappointed and seeking escape from what i see as the cause of that rejection: the chaos that is the federal government and the uncertainty of what is coming down the pike. today, i see that i need to find the place to be grateful for what i have and allow myself to do the correct thing, even when i do not have the desire to do so. it is, however, a good day to be clean and a better one to give one of the men i sponsor what he needs to not be the still suffering addict, just for today.
today, as i sat and listened to what was being shared at my home group, i realize that i have found the ways and means to be grateful for my recovery and what it gives me in the here and now. that gift kept me clean, when i had the desire to use and allows me to see that the shit that happens around me, is not stuff i need to take personally. life in my skin, while far from perfect, is far from heinous today and i am not out seeking relief from my feelings and the manner in which i react to them. as unmotivated as i have been at work lately, i know that i have to pick up my pace and actually give my employers what they pay for. ever since i failed to land my dream job, i have been disappointed and seeking escape from what i see as the cause of that rejection: the chaos that is the federal government and the uncertainty of what is coming down the pike. today, i see that i need to find the place to be grateful for what i have and allow myself to do the correct thing, even when i do not have the desire to do so. it is, however, a good day to be clean and a better one to give one of the men i sponsor what he needs to not be the still suffering addict, just for today.
∞ DT ∞