โ active addiction was โ
Posted: Thu, Mar 20, 2025 07:12:47 AM
a dead-end circuit of dependence, until i got clean and began my journey toward self-support in recovery. before i get rolling, i have to apologize for phoning this in, yesterday. trying to do a work meeting and write an entry, just because that is what i do, really made both activities mostly useless. i realized that, as i read it this morning, but as this exercise is a glimpse into who and what i am on a daily basis, unlike the current administration, i will not white wash my past, by removing or rewriting that entry.
when i was using, i always believed i was self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone. even so, i can recall the number of late night calls to my dealer doing my best Wimpy imitation, of i will gladly pay you Tuesday for one more sack of dope tonight. even more ironic about the level of denial was how many times i had to traipse over to my family business, to get some money to buy food, because once again i had spent my entire paycheck on dope. i could go on and on and on, but i am sure i have made my point, i was far from self-sufficient financially and emotionally, well i had decided long ago that i did not need anyone in my life, except to provide for my needs, and that was not dependence, i was entitled to whatever i desired.
this morning i can see how interdependent i am on those folks who comprise my life, my family, my peers, my closed-mouth friends and those with whom i interact. i give my time, my experience, my hope and yes my money to the fellowship that has given me this life, as well as to those who ask me for my guidance and support. i also gratefully receive the offerings they bestow upon me. looking at my life these days through the filter of what it once was, i might see myself as brainwashed and crazily dependent on far too may “flaky” folks and destined never to get what is my due. the fact that i can even go down that path, is certainly one more indicator that i have not “arrived” and can still be as sick as i ever was.
when i open my eyes to the here and now, i accept that the dollars i put into a basket is just a fraction of what i give and the love and respect i receive from those in my life, is more than i can even imagine. i am, however, not entitled to anything, save another day clean, if i choose to live a program of recovery. in living that program, i get and give without limits to the world upon which i depend, even when i am self-supporting through my own efforts, just for today.
when i was using, i always believed i was self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone. even so, i can recall the number of late night calls to my dealer doing my best Wimpy imitation, of i will gladly pay you Tuesday for one more sack of dope tonight. even more ironic about the level of denial was how many times i had to traipse over to my family business, to get some money to buy food, because once again i had spent my entire paycheck on dope. i could go on and on and on, but i am sure i have made my point, i was far from self-sufficient financially and emotionally, well i had decided long ago that i did not need anyone in my life, except to provide for my needs, and that was not dependence, i was entitled to whatever i desired.
this morning i can see how interdependent i am on those folks who comprise my life, my family, my peers, my closed-mouth friends and those with whom i interact. i give my time, my experience, my hope and yes my money to the fellowship that has given me this life, as well as to those who ask me for my guidance and support. i also gratefully receive the offerings they bestow upon me. looking at my life these days through the filter of what it once was, i might see myself as brainwashed and crazily dependent on far too may “flaky” folks and destined never to get what is my due. the fact that i can even go down that path, is certainly one more indicator that i have not “arrived” and can still be as sick as i ever was.
when i open my eyes to the here and now, i accept that the dollars i put into a basket is just a fraction of what i give and the love and respect i receive from those in my life, is more than i can even imagine. i am, however, not entitled to anything, save another day clean, if i choose to live a program of recovery. in living that program, i get and give without limits to the world upon which i depend, even when i am self-supporting through my own efforts, just for today.
∞ DT ∞