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alright, i have yo own something major here. i really do not buy the whole disease concept of addiction. this is something that i keep close to my chest, as when i was just getting started, it was a concept i bought -- hook, line and sinker. back then, i needed this concept so i could be free to find a manner of living without the uncontrollable use of drugs. today, i find that such constructs are counterproductive, after all, if i am sick and the disease is incurable, what is the point?
so if i do not buy the disease concept, why am i here? well, my path through recovery to this point has made me see, that unlike the other 85% of the human race, i cannot just get high and move on. my brain chemistry and my body do not react like those others when presented with mind and mood altering substances, and when i get high, it sets up a feedback loop, that insures the obsessive and compulsive use of those substances, no matter what the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual consequences, i want more and will do whatever it takes to get more. in being different, regardless if by genetics, environment or whatever, i know for me to use is a death sentence in so many respects. shifting responsibility of being an addict to some sort of mysterious malady, no longer feels like the right thing to do. the facts are simple. i am an addict. i cannot use substances like the majority of the human race. when using becomes a choice i do not make, than i seek the ways and means to avoid, divert and otherwise subjugate the feelings that are part of my human experience. that is what it is. i do need s psychologist or counselor to tell me so, nor do i need to medicated in order to live a life free from active addiction. i do seek answers to why i am so anymore, i just accept and do what i need to do, to live better today. for me, it is a much simpler manner of living.
since i do not buy the disease concept, one may wonder about the program stuff, why am i here, long after the desire to use has been lifted, if i do not believe i need to be treated? honestly, that is a question that pops up from time to time and bugs the living bejeebers out of me. tossing it around, the only answer i can get is that i LIKE the feedback loop, living a program of recovery has set-up. the more i do the recovery gig, the more control i can exercise over my behaviors, the more i understand what i am feeling and i have learned to survive and yes even be grateful for the emotions i experience in the here and now. being a part of my life, instead of a spectator that is driven by the whims of uncontrollable drug use, is a change i have come to enjoy and want to foster in my daily living. disease or not, i like the so-called treatment and think i will live a program of active recovery today.
which means it is time to get moving on my next task 'o today, a physical workout! it is a good day to have the choice of where i am going.

∞ DT ∞