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than mere abstinence is how i treat addiction these days. the other night, i heard one of my peers share that they really felt all **yippy-skippy** about their life in recovery and what they shared was a reflection of that. as i sat this morning, i wondered when, if ever, i felt that way. for me, there is always a bit of a dark side, even when everything is going swimmingly well. for me, i see my journey as twisting and turning and share about the desirable and yes undesirable part of that journey and i do not remember a time when i was so “pink-cloudy.” it really does not matter in the long run,. because even without having that kind of transformation of my life, somehow i have managed to stay clean and works a few set of 12 steps.
the reading this morning focused on the “disease” and how it may be treatable. i have yet to see myself as “cured” by any means, but i am sure a whole lot better off than when i walked into the rooms, materially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. when i said to my sponse the other day that i had finally come to accept my powerlessness and it was now unmanageability that i was having difficulty coming to terms with, i was stunned. that was the first time, i had even admitted to myself that i had moved on in my first step and it felt truthful and correct. even though i have absolutely no clue about why i used, and after all this time that is still a fact, i am grateful that using was not my only symptom that required treatment.
as i was showering off the past twenty-four hours, a few things came to me. there was a time when i wanted to know WHY i used. when i was plagued by that question, it was always me, looking for a way out, a loophole to get away from this recovery gig. there were many pleasant and unpleasant side-effects in my uncontrollable, obsessive and compulsive using days. what i have discovered is that i used because i am an addict, PERIOD! if that was not the case, then getting clean would have solved all my living problems and i would be skipping down the yellow brick road to a rainbow and unicorn filled future. the fact is, all abstinence did for me, is to reveal the true nature of who i am. even after thousands of days clean, the underlying fact of my life is that addiction, still rules the roost, in this addict's world. the silver lining of that statement is, that when i accept that as truth, i GET to be so much more. i need not be anything i am not. i do not have to pretend to be more spiritual, intellectual, deeper, or recovered than my peers. i do not need to speak of the service i do, the good deeds that go unpunished nor the periods of calm serenity i feel. i GET to recover and today, my recovery is taking me down to Santa Fe for a week of relaxation and unwinding. with that in mind i will say it is an excel;lent day to be clean and yes, just for today, i am grateful for what recovery is going to bring me.

∞ DT ∞