Blog entry for:

my reservations, instead of caving into them keeps me focus on my daily goal: to live a program of active recovery. driving into the office this morning, i tripped once or twice about what this actually means in my daily life. having spoken to a peer who desires a program of “advanced” recovery in the past few days, i wondered if i, too, was looking for that holy grail. i know right now i am working a program of active maintenance, doing my best to see the pitfalls of life on its own terms before i fall into them. i know that if i allow what may come to consume me in the here and now, i will miss all the opportunities that are right in front off me. i also know that ignoring all of those “what ifs,” will not prepare me to handle them and creates the same sort of fantasy world i used to believe was reality. the balance i seek is being aware of what may be coming, while living in this chaotic and fast-paced world. that balance is not as difficult as it once seemed, all i have to do is let go and see what happens.
do i have any reservations that i need to address today? well maybe, i found myself thinking that i would be better off if my Mom just passed away, rather than lingering in the hell she has created for herself, after coming back from seeing her, yesterday afternoon. more and more i find myself dreading yet another afternoon of having to shout over her TV, to answer the inane questions she asks me, in her lame attempt to engage me in conversation. i do not really resent her and i will certainly miss her when she is gone and i find myself going into the “should haves,” each time i leave her home. i truly want to have a conversation with her, but each time she asks me if i had a “nice” weekend i want to scream. of course i did, i did not have to work, i did not use, and i got everything accomplished that i set out to do. i do not have a whole lot of excitement in my life, but i am excited about having a life and want to live it to the max, rather than allowing myself to slip into irrelevance.
i guess, after putting that down into bits and bytes i need to get up, grab some coffee and get working on my latest and greatest project. i know that knowing i am not in a good head space when i get in my car and start towards my Mom's house, is something that i cannot control and have to surrender. what i do not have to surrender, is what i do with that. maybe, just maybe, i can get enough room in my heart and my head to be more than quietly courteous today, although the quiet part has prevented a whole lot of TENTH STEP corrections, 😉, which i find is a good place to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞