Blog entry for:

the use of drugs and i am certainly grateful that i have come to believe that as a fact for me. one of the men i sponsor, told me the other day that he asked me to guide him on his journey through recovery because we wanted more than just the loss of the desire to use, he wanted to find a new way to live, that went beyond abstinence and was willing to do whatever it takes to do so. for me, ongoing recovery is an extension of abstinence into a life i never knew existed, because my world view was so clouded by finding the ways and means to get what i needed to get, on a daily basis. i liked getting high, i make no bones about that, and even when i was just doing it when i could get away with it due to outside constraints, it worked every single time. so i am not similar to many of my peers, who say that the drugs stopped working, for me, they simply did not and perhaps that was part of the problem i had, coming to terms with the FIRST STEP. more than that, my lack of any sort of willingness or honesty, back in the day made my journey to becoming a member much more arduous than it needed to be. for every step i took towards seeing that i needed a new way to live, i took two steps away from that realization and i nearly ended up loaded. that is of course ancient history and more and more i am coming to see, that my reluctance at embracing the program of recovery that this fellowship has to offer, was a necessary part of of me coming to be transformed into a defender of the FAITH, a recovery crusader, if you will. i needed to explode every argument that i could concoct and walk down all the blind alleys, to find my true path.
do not make any mistake, abstinence is key, and even after a few days clean, i still understand and accept that staying clean is necessary to a life of living clean. i am also of the school that just staying clean is not enough for me, and although other fellowships offer similar paths to arriving at this point, their messages never filled me with a sense of hope, i mean seriously what is left after i admit that i am powerless over all mind and mood altering substances? that was the question that haunted me when i was getting clean and certainly was my argument when i was on the path to becoming a member. when i discovered the message of this fellowship in its “purest form,” i was ready to find something more than dealing with the most obvious symptom of addiction, my uncontrollable use of mind and mood altering substances. it is the promise of that something more, that keeps me coming back and prevents me from becoming a “recovery tourist.” i show up. not because i want to send a message of HOPE, but because i know that for me, in order to live clean, i need to keep showing up for meetings and interactions with the very souls who gave me this pathway to something different than i had. railing against the heretics and inquisitors does very little to advance my crusade.
when i finally took off my suit of armor and my cloak of invulnerability and returned to the flock, i once again began to believe that my battles against were pointless and that those with whom i share the rooms, have reasons of their own for being around. it is not my job to defend the fellowship and quite honestly as rigid and cold as it was back in the day, i am starting to see that a bit of softening around the edges was needed for this fellowship to grow locally. while i was away fighting the “holy wars” at various levels of service, my local fellowship grew into a vibrant and yes, softer community, with a very solid message: there is life after using, just ask us!
as i sit here, donning my cloak of recovery, i see i no longer need to be actively fighting outside influences. those with whom i share my recovery have the ability to pick out the posers, the tourists and the dilettantes and welcome them in as members. attraction rather than forced compliance has built a stronger fellowship than i ever could imagine and today i am grateful for the spiritual path i have present in my life today. yes, for me, recovery is all about getting something more, being something more and just NOT using, just for today. i am glad i do not have a moral dilemma, just a treatable condition that has a pathway to being more than just another junkie.

∞ DT ∞