Blog entry for:

**addiction**, they do, HOWEVER, heal me.
there are times, when i wish my views were more inline with the mainline of my fellowship. it would make much of what i write easier to get started and less apt to be confused for what it is not. seeing addiction as a disease is one of those views that would make my life simpler, but the more and more i think about that notion, the less likely i will ever fall into that particular view again. the subtle shift in how i share when i speak of addiction, is hardly enough to cause concern among my peers, as i use the term “addiction” when they use “my disease,” and for everyone in the room, that substitution works, without giving anyone pause to think. i have no trouble in admitting that i am an addict and addiction is as much a part of me, as my appendix or my tonsils, unfortunately, unlike the aforementioned organs, addiction cannot be surgically, chemically or otherwise removed from me, so i must deal with it in a non-medical manner. for me, the TWELVE STEPS are the counter to the destructive, selfish and self-centered behaviors that are symptomatic of me being an addict. as one can see, i can easily fall into the disease metaphor, and for the most part, that model fits. what this world view eliminates however, are phrases such as “my disease wants me dead;” and “my disease is talking to me.” when one believes as i do, that addiction is part of me, neither of the phrases makes any sense unless the term disease is replaced by me, my and i, which then makes them quite disturbing indeed. when i remove that layer of culpability and protection from the term addiction, i also remove some of the most convenient hidey-holes, i developed. i, become not only responsible for my recovery, but all of the actions, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs that comprise day to day life for me. as much as i want to shield myself from that reality, taking the disease part out of addiction and owning that it is me who is the addict, creates a new and sometimes disturbing reality.
where is the HOPE? the HOPE is that once i owned that i am an addict and that fact was unchanging and could not be removed from me, then and only then, did the process to ameliorate the influence that part of me has on my life become a desirable activity. the 12 STEPS then become, at least for me, more of a recipe for life, than a patent medicine to fix me. the 12 STEPS provide me guidance, instead of dictating behavior. the 12 STEPS demonstrate that i am more than just addiction and give me a path to grow those other parts of who i am, that were buried under the garbage of being an addict. yes disease or not, it is, for me anyhow, only the 12 STEPS that are making me whole, genuine and self-aware.
so there you have, my soapbox du jour, as it was. i could go on and on, but i think i have hammered that point to near death. today, i know what i am and have no problem basing a belief system on that fact. i am an addict, no further qualification is desired nor required. i can live comfortably in the world knowing that fact and owning that even though i may be an addict i have a path that allows me to move beyond that fact and out of the lobby into a life that is worth living.
so a bit of rainbows, daisies and unicorns to get this Saturday morning started! it is after all is said and done and good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞