Blog entry for:

of recovery to stay clean despite challenges that present themselves as i go through my life. looking back at what i wrote three hundred and sixty six days ago, i find it ironic that i mentioned that maybe it would be better for me, if my Mom passed away. the irony? here i sit two months after her death dreading the tasks that are now part of my daily life, to clean up her affairs. sure, i stayed clean and i have yet to kill anybody, although tempted to, more than once, but i have been living with a hair-trigger anger being unleashed on all sorts of unsuspecting souls for the the petty offenses. not a pretty picture for someone who purports to be living a program of active recovery. having come to the conclusion that what has been holding me back is not a reservation, but a resentment, i am consciously and actively seeking the ways and means to enter a state of forgiveness, even if understanding why will never be revealed to me.
yesterday, i discovered that a co-worker made some changes to the code-base that hosed the work i had been doing for the past week. basically i lost an entire day, getting my stuff back to where i was. i wanted to reach out and grab a part of him that would cause some pain, but realized that he did not know, could not know and was actually correcting a problem that was ongoing with our data structures. i did what i needed to do, fuming for several hours, when i realized that what i was working on, was going to be so different than what i had written previously, that i saw it was an exercise in once again giving away my personal power and that i was worth far more than surrendering my power to anything or anyone, at least the small amount of personal power i do have.
moving into today, my time alone at home is coming to an end and the time has come for me to pick-up after myself. i am not a big fan of cleaning, but i am also not a big fan of coming home to a house that needs a bit of sprucing up. it is my choice to spend some time this afternoon and evening, preparing our home for the arrival of my spouse tomorrow afternoon and getting my stuff out of her way. as much as i hate to admit it, i am a\basically a bit of a slob and she has taken care of the house in a very efficient and diligent manner. i can, however, go against what may be my nature or just being lazy and take care of a few things, at least the bare minimum. i need not get all martyred over picking up after myself, nor do i need a medal or any sort of token of appreciation for doing the next right thing, at least in this instance. i have been learning how not to behave and what attitudes of mine that require a bit of revision from dealing with my niece. just for today, i can and will stay clean, allow life to be as it will, deal with any reservations that may pop up and be the best person i can be, choosing to live a bit differently and hopefully better, that i did yesterday.

∞ DT ∞