Blog entry for:

i saw that i suffered from a chronic condition that affected many areas of my life. i do not know where i had **caught** this, but in examining myself, i realized that it had been present for many years. okay, i did lift a long passage from the reading this morning, BUT if you notice the content not the message has been changed. some days i am more comfortable with the whole disease concept than others. today i am not. that does not mean that i disagree with the reading or find that it does not apply to me, not by a long shot! i do **get** that for me, way back when, it was much easier to latch on to the concept that i had a disease, rather than a moral deficiency or lack of will power. if that was the case than there might be a program of treatment. today i can use the word condition with similar effect, for me anyhow. i understand that i am different than the normal population in regards to the most obvious symptom of this condition, my use of drugs. i can also accep0t with ease today, that what causes me to use like i did, runs much deeper than that. this condition is with me 24/7 and will be until the day i draw my last breath and move beyond this vale of tears. my choice is to accept this as fact, surrender to this fact and decide to do something about treating this condition in the here and now OR do nothing and see what happens. i might be different than those who have chosen the latter, and perhaps i will be able to go out and use my will power to use like a normal person. or barring that have the grace to return to the rooms before i die or worse survive in the living hell that active addiction once caused in my life.
that is an awfully huge maybe to hang my life on, and this morning i do believe i will choose the former. life as a recovering addict is not all that heinous, in fact most of the time it is downright pleasurable and rewarding. the work i need to do to maintain my recovery is not that onerous or burdensome, and is probably a whole helluva lot easier than trying to get clean again. so doing an end sum calculation, being the ever logical and rational sort of dude i try and portray, this is the less costly of the options, especially in the emotional, mental and spiritual realms and being a bit of a stingy sort of person in these exact realms, i do believe that is the price i will accept and pay today.
so no matter what i call it, i am not to blame for being an addict, that is inherent in me, and there is nothing i can do to change that. today i choose to treat the disease, affliction, condition or syndrome of addiction with a program of active recovery. and you can too! just ask me how.
so off to the streets for another jaunt around the neighborhood.

∞ DT ∞