โ i do the footwork and accept what โ
Posted: Wed, Mar 23, 2011 09:08:20 AM
is being given to me freely on a daily basis.
i have to admit, that as my day progressed yesterday, i grew more irritable, and out of sorts. a great word to describe my feelings is petulant, perhaps a petulant frenzy, by the time i finally arrived home. there were glimmers where i felt good, but in general,, nothing was up to my standards. most of those who shared last night, missed the whole point of the daily reading, confusing self-support for self-sufficiency. the worst offender was the person who still leeches off society and the fellowship, and is so oblivious to it, with their truckload of justifications and rationalizations about how they are so fVcking entitled to this and that. so when the meeting went on and on, i was grateful that i had an appointment, so i could excuse myself at the appointed hour, instead of waiting for the hostage taking to cease. what did i learn? that my will is not the will of a HIGHER POWER, and what i wanted is not necessarily what i GOT. it was not until i sat down for my TENTH STEP, last night, that i finally realized what was going on, they were not the problem, the rest of the world was not the problem, it was me. i did not like what i was feeling, so i turned and diverted those feelings into my own reliable standby of self-righteous indignation that fuels the fire of anger. were my judgements suspect? more than likely not. what was suspect was allowing the behavior to build into far more than it needed to be. i could have left much earlier than i did, and even if i did, i could have asked for the whole honey wagon of my behaviors to be removed just for right now. leaving when i did last night, more than likely was the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, finally taking over. had i remained, who knows how many wrongs or amends i would be making this morning, as it is, just writing about it may ruffle a few feathers…
WAH WAH WAH, get over it and move on!
which is a suggestion i think i will take myself.
i can tell you it is tough for me to surrender, as i often forget that the definition i prefer is to cease fighting, not to give up. as tough as surrender is for me, when it comes to turning my ENTIRE will and my ENTIRE life over into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, most of the time i get stuck. after all, there are things i can do, some of that is really footwork, BUT most of it is actually self-will. i see that this morning, but i rarely see it when i smack dab in the middle of the sh!tpile of self-will, such as i was yesterday. the reading this morning, was a not so subtle reminder that i am the junior partner in this relationship. as such, it is up to me to listen and act according to the information provided to me by the POWER that fuels my recovery. sure i can ask, BUT than i have to listen and i have the tools today to do so. it is true, that i have yet to hit the jackpot in the lottery, nor has anyone unloaded a truckload of money on my front lawn, but i am getting what i need, even though i want more. my job today, is to take care of what i have on my desk and get ready for the events that may pop-up today. my job is to be aware what is going on around me. my job is to be aware of what is going on inside and remember that when i feel that i am entitled to something, do i really want what that brings?
time to go shower off the past 24 and get rolling into this fresh one.
i have to admit, that as my day progressed yesterday, i grew more irritable, and out of sorts. a great word to describe my feelings is petulant, perhaps a petulant frenzy, by the time i finally arrived home. there were glimmers where i felt good, but in general,, nothing was up to my standards. most of those who shared last night, missed the whole point of the daily reading, confusing self-support for self-sufficiency. the worst offender was the person who still leeches off society and the fellowship, and is so oblivious to it, with their truckload of justifications and rationalizations about how they are so fVcking entitled to this and that. so when the meeting went on and on, i was grateful that i had an appointment, so i could excuse myself at the appointed hour, instead of waiting for the hostage taking to cease. what did i learn? that my will is not the will of a HIGHER POWER, and what i wanted is not necessarily what i GOT. it was not until i sat down for my TENTH STEP, last night, that i finally realized what was going on, they were not the problem, the rest of the world was not the problem, it was me. i did not like what i was feeling, so i turned and diverted those feelings into my own reliable standby of self-righteous indignation that fuels the fire of anger. were my judgements suspect? more than likely not. what was suspect was allowing the behavior to build into far more than it needed to be. i could have left much earlier than i did, and even if i did, i could have asked for the whole honey wagon of my behaviors to be removed just for right now. leaving when i did last night, more than likely was the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, finally taking over. had i remained, who knows how many wrongs or amends i would be making this morning, as it is, just writing about it may ruffle a few feathers…
WAH WAH WAH, get over it and move on!
which is a suggestion i think i will take myself.
i can tell you it is tough for me to surrender, as i often forget that the definition i prefer is to cease fighting, not to give up. as tough as surrender is for me, when it comes to turning my ENTIRE will and my ENTIRE life over into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, most of the time i get stuck. after all, there are things i can do, some of that is really footwork, BUT most of it is actually self-will. i see that this morning, but i rarely see it when i smack dab in the middle of the sh!tpile of self-will, such as i was yesterday. the reading this morning, was a not so subtle reminder that i am the junior partner in this relationship. as such, it is up to me to listen and act according to the information provided to me by the POWER that fuels my recovery. sure i can ask, BUT than i have to listen and i have the tools today to do so. it is true, that i have yet to hit the jackpot in the lottery, nor has anyone unloaded a truckload of money on my front lawn, but i am getting what i need, even though i want more. my job today, is to take care of what i have on my desk and get ready for the events that may pop-up today. my job is to be aware what is going on around me. my job is to be aware of what is going on inside and remember that when i feel that i am entitled to something, do i really want what that brings?
time to go shower off the past 24 and get rolling into this fresh one.
∞ DT ∞