Blog entry for:

will of a Higher Power. if one chooses to, one can see the evolution of my spiritual path, through its various phases by following the links to my previous blogs on this topic. those links are presented after the disclaimer located below this little bit of mind dumpery. i can therefore, at least just for today, forgo a discussion of how i got here and what i see as my path these days and dive right into how STEP 11 enhances my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery.
in all honesty, prayer is not that much a part of my daily life.a quickie when i get up, before i climb out of bed, and another quickie when i close my eyes and begin my journey into my daily appointment with Morpheus. the fact that i even “ask” for the power to stay clean and acknowledge my gratitude for getting that power over the course of my day, is a vestigial remnant of the daily ritual i started way back when. i am sure that it still is useful in its own ways and am hardly looking to replace or modify it, just for today.
no, my spiritual path relies more on the meditation part of STEP 11. pausing when agitated for me, means taking a breath and allowing myself to feel that will again. what will is that? why the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, or the term that is easier to type GOD. as much as i may try and deny, intellectualize, explain or rationalize, there is certainly some POWER that keeps me clean, day after day. for me, trying to wrap that POWER up in human terms, as i was more than willing to do for a greater [part of my recovery, limits that POWER to what i can imagine. so i choose to allow myself the freedom not to heavily define IT. i have also come to see that those i come in contact with, in the fellowship, need to have the exact same freedom that i have been given. even when their versions are nothing like mine, there are not only entitled to an understanding of GOD that is their own, they are required to find it, for themselves. my problem, with this whole notion, was that i was forced into a concept that did not fit, because i NEEDED to believe in something, and in the fellowship that was my home, that was definition of GOD as they saw IT. cramming myself into that box, by borrowing my sponsor&$39;s concept, stifled my spiritual growth, because i did not need to ponder anything more, it just was, and all nicely and neatly wrapped up in enough religious frippery to satisfy the words of the 12 STEPS, but not the spirit. i do have to admit, no one held a gun to my head or threatened or coerced me into that belief structure, i took the easier softer path and complying allowed me to fit in and “look like” the rest of my peers. these days i am very careful not to force those with whom i have any influence over, into some compliant version of their spiritual path, simply to please me. this is, however, a bit of a digression and i need to come back around to the relationship i have with the divine these days.
instead of relying on prayer, i rely on meditation, as i said way earlier before i took a deep dive into my less than humble beginnings. i do not pray because i am coming to believe that i am just given the opportunity to obtain all that i need, IF i am awake enough to see it. my belief system was built on the ruins of the belief structure that kept me in fear and loathing, for far too many days and nights. being present for what is going on in my life allows me to walk through this day and get what i need, to stay clean as well as grow as a person. it also allows my the opportunities to obtain some of those nice to have things that i call wants, but often mistake for needs. just as i pray twice a day, i sit and listen twice a day as well. instead of shooting off a quick prayer, i take a quick trip into stopping the incessant internal dialogue in my head. when i find myself being impatient, intolerant or just an fVcking a$$hole, that same quick trip into nothingness allows me the freedom to be something more, not that much unlike a quick prayer or two in those same situations. it is upon the foundation of “feeling the will” of GOD, my program is built today, and no matter how difficult it may have been or may be, i am grateful for the guidance i have been given to pursue this path. i do, however, need to wrap this up and go partake of another gift of recovery, a full-time job that i actually like going to on most days. it is a gr8 day 2 B clean.

∞ DT ∞