Blog entry for:

if i do not pray and listen, i shut that Higher Power out of my life. this morning was one of those mornings where i popped out of bed, so to speak, and was unable to shut down long enough too listen. my head was going to a thousand different places as i tried to meditate, and as a result i finally gave up and did what i was thinking about, got humping on the pile of work on my desk. so before i got rolling on this particular entry in my periodic brain wave dump, i attempted to shut down once again, and much to my surprise and relief, i actually accomplished a stretch of quiet time to listen to what is going on, outside of my head.
i am certain i have written about the relationship between my HIGHER POWER and me, at great lengths before, i am also fairly certain that i have written about how i benefit in this relationship, as practiced through the direction of STEP 11. so those topics are verboten this morning and even though i may have written about the power i have as a result of this relationship and my footwork within the 11th STEP framework, that is what is on my heart and my head, so please bear with me.
this current step cycle, the one i just started, has an interesting focus, and one that is already starting to spill out into my daily life. although i accept that i am powerless over my addiction and my life is unmanageable, there are places in my life where i do have power, and focusing on obtaining and using that power is what i am looking at today. i have the power to exercise my responsibility to practice a program of recovery. yes, i know that three disturbing realizations spoken about in the literature of the fellowship that has provided this way of living, speaks to that. however, as events in my daily life unfold, i often forget that is on place i have power. i return to my default status of the ever-suffering martyred victim and the whining to GOD and everyone around commences. for the want of a few minutes of quiet contemplation, i am spinning down into the hellish existence that was once my default state. no i am not on the verge of relapsing, nor am am i contemplating using, yet, when i start going there. although, that could be the start of such an chain of events. no what i am doing is returning to a familiar and comfortable misery. i am surrendering my power and cutting myself off from the major source of that power. after all, if i am martyr, i can always say the whole your will not mine be done and gratefully suffer. there is an escape route, however, that is through remembering that i DO have some power, i DO have the tools that can prevent the maelstrom of self-doubt and self-pity from dragging me to the depths of despair. i have the ability and the power to return to the path that i have been set upon, surrender what is out of my control and over which i am powerless, and accept the responsibility to be more than i was yesterday. i am one of the most powerful forces in my own existence, and i get that ability through my relationship with GOD. it is up to me to recognize that power, grab the opportunity, and exercise my options. it is through STEP 11 that this conduit of power is established. once opened, i become the most powerful force in my own life, i have the power to be more than just an addict, i have the power to be a recovering addict and a better man. through this transformation i become greater than the sum of my parts and i get to live my life as a self-aware and genuine person, which i have come to see is partt and parcel of the path i am walking.
so grabbing the power i do have, i do believe i will move confidently into toady, secure in the knowledge that if i ask and IF I AM PRESENT for what is going on, I WILL GET WHAT I NEED, just for today.

∞ DT ∞