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this program of recovery would work for me, but i am grateful that i proved myself wrong. day in and day out, i wonder what if i had decided to go a different direction, way back when i killed my number and was freed from the chains that bound me to the justice system. i have a whole lot of clues from those who made a different decision than i did, when they reached that turning point. some of them seem to have found a way to live that does not include this program of recovery, they have found faith-based paths that appear to allow them to live a life freed from active addiction. others stay clean on just their force of will or perhaps they were only physically addicted and not true addicts to the core, such as me. some of the others, well, that outcome is not quite as cheery, as they seem to bounce from one job to another, getting new charges and never seeming to get out of the clutches of the law. whether or not that would have been my fate, i do not know. what i do know, is that the life i have now is a direct result of learning to live the program of recovery i was presented with, all those days ago.
as i get rolling on this Sunday morning, i do feel grateful for that decision i made and have no doubts, that for me anyhow, it was the correct one. i can state that i have never been the most open-minded or willing participant in my own recovery. i resisted until i was exhausted and lived in a world where i was more concerned about how i looked to me peers, than how i was feeling inside. after days and days clean, i feel a bit of regret of being such a tough fucking nut to crack, after all … <fill in the blank abut what might have been> 😵
regrets aside, i see that the greatest gift that i have received through perseverance and adherence is that i am being freed from my need to get outside validation of who and what i am. i kind of wonder if my stubborn bull-bullheadedness was necessary for me to achieve this life, that if i had surrendered sooner and actually broke through the level of denial that kept me just sick enough for so long, to keep coming back. as i sift through the nature of my insanity over the past eighteen months as well as yesterday, i am coming to see that i am being restored to something that i never had before. hmmmm, seems like i may have found the way into my writing assignment, i will have to consider that as i get out and about with the dawg and my workout and see what happens. life is not a mystery to me, my life is becoming more open than ever before and that is a function of me staying clean, applying a program of recovery that i never ever wanted.

∞ DT ∞