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and accepting what i am given. honestly, this is part of the deal i find less than satisfactory to me, especially when i was a deist and expected more that the power to stay clean. even today, seeing the POWER that fuels my recovery through a different lens, i get more than a bit resentful, when i do not feel rewarded for staying clean. nay, belay that last line and substitute the line“rewarded for doing ALL the work that living a program of recovery entails.𗾭 after all, i have been clean for a minute, when do ii get to step out and live my life, without risking the relapse boogie man, jumping me on some dark street as i stroll through my life outside the rooms? nice piece of sophistry there and one that may lead to my ultimate demise.
i really do not like being dark and gloomy and yet to be a Miss Mary Sunshine, is just not who i am, i see the cloud in the perfectly clear skies and brace for the storm that may never arrive. recovery has not made me anything i am not and certainly no less cynical than when i walked into the rooms. so when i say i am less than grateful because GOD has not met my expectations, it is an honest statement and one i make without fear of reprisal or thunderbolts from “on high.” when i say i am less than pleased with the being the junior partner in this relationship, it is certainly an act of hubris.
today i can feel all of that and still feel grateful for what i do and do not have. without some POWER greater than my addiction, would not be here in Santa Fe, writing about the more esoteric parts of the program of recovery i am living. without the program i would not have the people in my life that keep me sane and provide for my social comfort. without recovery, i do not even know if i would be alive. even with all of that to be grateful for, i still feel remorse of the years i lost in the haze of substance abuse, and the years i lost in recovery, shrouded by the fog of clueless self-obsession. it was nearly seven years into my program of recovery, before i woke up and became present for my life in real time. here is where the expectation was not met, why was i allowed to wallow in those states for so long and why did it take another thirteen years to achieve what i have today?
sit down, shut-up and listen, dude and get over yourself!
the truth is, nothing will ever be good enough for this addict..the truth is it took what it took to get where i am. the truth is, expecting rewards for living a life that is better than i could have imagined is simply not going to keep me clean another day. the balance in my life, i get through daily application of the 11TH step, is quite a gift and i thank my once upon a time sponsee John, for showing me the way to this path. taking out the human aspect of that POWER allows me to see that my footwork has allowed me to become something more and will continue to allow me to grow, if i allow the process to happen. it does not men that i practice a program by rote, instead, at least for me, it means i learn to live this path and be okay at the end of my day, when i can truly say, that this may have been my best day ever.

∞ DT ∞