Blog entry for:

i know that 1 am responsible for my part of the relationship. if i do not pray and listen, i shut our Higher Power out of my life.
these days shutting my HIGHER POWER out of my life is not part of my daily agenda, or what i really need to say, is that i do not plan to shut that power off. that be said, what i discover is i am really good living up to my responsibility in this relationship at the beginning and at the end of my day. what i lack is the desire to keep that up throughout my day. not that i start any action in those ’tween times deliberately seeking to act on my own will, but i hardly ever pause and listen for that second before acting. after all, this whole recovery thing is almost automatic is it not? well truthfully, recovery and acting on spiritual principles do not occur auto-magically for me yet, DANG IT! no, this addict still needs to remember who is the powerless one in this relationship and where the power to stay clean and choose to recover comes from, just because it has been a bit of time since i had the obsession to use anything , does not mean that i have left the woods.
so here i sit pondering deep thoughts and struggling with a physical issue that i have forgotten to ask about. i am trying to shift off a medication i have needed to take to prevent acid reflux disease and like recovery from the disease of addiction, my body is fighting me at every step. the problem is not my physical need to take the drug, not by a long shot, if i actually would pay attention to what my body is telling me, i would have a much easier time of this. what is my body saying, well for one, i can no longer eat the quantities of food that make me feel good, the truth is overeating and poor eating habits have probably been the root of this particular problem since forever. the drug gave me the freedom to eat what, when and whatever quantity i desired for the past seven years. what i am discovering is that what i eat is less important than how much i eat. so my dilemma? well i can continue to battle my body regardless of what it is trying to tell me, i can quit and go back to relying on a drug to enable my poor eating behaviors or i can accept my powerlessness over this situation and adjust my eating behaviors to match my new reality. the choice is mine, and in this instance ignoring what my HIGHER POWER and my body have been telling me over the past three weeks has probably caused more damage.
so what does all of this have to do with humbly and gratefully accepting the gifts that my HIGHER POWER provides on a daily basis? well for one the idea to switch to a new way of life by treating the cause and not the symptoms did not originate in my pea brain, nor did it come from a doctor or any other practitioner. they would have hardly suggested this course of action. no that idea came from outside of me, more than likely my HIGHER POWER and the willingness to see it through has to come from me. my decision is whether or not i want to continue to treat a symptom or do i want to deal with causes and conditions, just like my recovery from the disease of addiction. the symptom is my obsessive drug use and the behaviors that arise from that need, the causes are myriad and i will never probably understand them. HOWEVER if i continue to live a program of recovery i will get what i need to grow into the man i want to be, the disease will not be removed, but my behaviors will be modified to fit better with the values that i have come to accept across the course of my life and for that chance i will do whatver it takes, just for today.

∞ DT ∞