Blog entry for:

yesterday, was not my best day ever, by a long shot. i went to a meeting and someone who had been **around** recovery **programs** for seventeen years, but only had eighty days clean, was offering a shit ton of advice, slogans and all sorts of **borrowed** wisdom. luck for them, i had already shared or i might have cut loose with an invective filled string starting with who the F_CK do you think you are, if after seventeen years, all you can manage is eighty days, maybe you should just shut the F_CK up and listen? i am better than that these days, but when the clueless start offering slogan-laden advice to the most vulnerable in the rooms, i get pissed off. that was not the topper, but it was illustrative of what i stumbled through yesterday.
this morning, as i sat, yesterday kept playing through my head and over and over again, i was reminded of how powerless i was. as i cleared all of that off the decks, what i was left with was a feeling of futility of it all and if i was truly on the correct path. it would be nice to say that those doubts were erased as the POWER that fuels my recovery took over, that is not the case. what i did get, as i dove into the depths of dank doubts, was a sense that maybe, just maybe i need to have a bit of FAITH in myself, the recovery process, the fellowship and that POWER. after all,, i may not see every opportunity that is coming my way, but i certainly can see that just for today, i have all that i need.
the question that surfaced as i got up and started my day, is how i do inoculate myself against someone in my life that has given up HOPE? that also seems to be a bit of powerlessness that i need to cede to the POWER that fuels my recovery. HOPELESS is not equivalent to POWERLESS, although being POWERLESS can lead to feeling HOPELESS. when i look at it in that manner, for that person, maybe giving up HOPE and figuring out how to survive alone, is the easier, softer way. i have a bit of HOPE today and perhaps a bit of power as well. right here and right now, i do believe i will get changed out and get some miles behind me. it is a good day to entrust my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and listen for what i am being told. after all, i am pretty clueless about the unseen future and how to walk through it.

∞ DT ∞