Blog entry for:

the gifts that are given to me, especially those furnished by the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can readily admit, that i am often far too obtuse to see the offerings that come down the pike every single day. other times, those gifts do not **look** like what i expect gifts to look like and i ignore them. a case in point, i have a peer who i once considered my friend and as the days have passed i feel less and less friendly to them and have come to a point where i am going to ask them to not to interact with me on any level at all and avoid spending time with them, in a very deliberate and conscious manner. in the past, i would have started a “whispering campaign” to impugn their integrity and certainly their level of fitness to be out and about with the general public. this morning i just feel sad, as i what once was a strong affection for someone has morphed into a foul aversion to them. just being in their presence i feel violated and polluted and that is my stuff that will need to be worked out. the gift i have been given here is getting to witness what i see as their descent into darkness as they spin a web of lies, that allows them to construct a story to rationalize away their need to change and become more and more myopic to what is going on around them. so it goes, my part in this toxic relationship is pretending that everything is okay, when it certainly is not.
the other gift that i stumbled across this morning was my DESIRE to be something more. i often hear my peers sharing how much they enjoy being at meetings where there is a heavy population of the newest members. i certainly cannot speak for anyone but myself and in this respect, i prefer a mix that trends towards longer terms of clean time. i really do not like having to share about the basics when my peers allow the newest of the new to rattle on and and in areas that they have very little experience: LIVING CLEAN. what i desire when i go to a meeting is a diversity of experience, strength and hope and the meetings i attend, give me exactly that smorgasbord. i have been a “purist” for far too long and yet i seem to be afraid of letting go of that moniker. as a result, i am the one that clamps down on those who have a clean date for each and every substance they stopped using and seem to think that if you can buy it in a grocery store, it must not be a drug.
this morning, as i step out to do something for someone else, i have a bit of time to get a bit of exercise, clear my head and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to bring a bit of clarity on how to handle that which i find unacceptable in my life. i do not want to carry my battles into a public arena but i am not willing to allow that reticence from keeping me from putting the distance i need between that which i cannot accept. i am sure that if allow myself the FREEDOM to let this play out, i will come to the place i need to be.

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