Blog entry for:

an end to loneliness and a sense of direction in my life.
well i must admit for the first time in five days, i am feeling so much better, the antibiotics have taken care of the nasty and painful infection that i had developed and i am glad that i finally surrendered and went to see the medical doctor about my severe discomfort and stopped trying to figure it out on my own.
which brings me to the point i heard when i actually stopped to listen this morning, that diagnosing my spiritual health, especially when i have a nagging bit of pain, is something better left to someone else. it is true, that my recovery journey has created a person who is less fragmented, more genuine and self-aware. all of that aside, i am still the worst person to see what is really happening with me. i lack the detachment to really get to the bottom of the particular nasty spiritual infections and more than lack the ability to prescribe a solution to fix them. asking for help. letting myself be vulnerable, and walking through the FEAR that i will be humiliated if i tell someone what is really going on, are all part of the new direction i have been given.
so if i truly have FAITH in this program of recovery, and i truly trust those that have given me direction in the past, why would i allow any spiritual infection to flourish when the solution is so simple. i think it all comes down to the part of me that i call addiction. that part of me, does not want me to get any better, and that is the bottom-line. that part of me, tells me that i will somehow appear weak, useless or diminished in the eyes of others IF i allow myself to really show what is happening inside me. then lies and justifications for not seeking help only get more twisted and insidious from there, as the addict that is me, knows all the right things to say, all the right arguments to present, and worst of all all the right buttons to push, to get me to down what it desires, which in the long run to use again.
my spiritual awakening this morning, was that even though nothing seems to be going on, it is time for me to sit down with my sponsor and just catch-up, maybe even do some step work and see where i am going. i am starting to see that lack of movement is a symptom of something else going on, and this morning i want to follow the path that takes me out of the morass i was once so well entrenched within. i want to be more than i was yesterday and will continue to do so. so i will hop in the shower and get moving on to the next task of today, as it is the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞