Blog entry for:

as i wait for my work computer to get ready for me to work, i think about what i am hearing this morning, in a context of what i have been hearing over the past few days, and remarkably there does seem to be a pattern. the pattern, it seems, is that what i did “back in the day,” is not who i am today. the whole “true believer,” that bothered me so much over the weekend, would not have bothered me in the past. after all i was CORRECT and when my local fellowship was still getting started, that sort of attitude allowed us to create a very strong fellowship, where carrying the message was a unified effort and focused on the specific literature and language that is the same world-wide. because of that zealotry, our fellowship is strong today and our meetings do not carry a mixed message. what was appropriate, way back when, is no longer necessary, as it has become the core of our local fellowship, and my need to be a zealot, has been diminished, most of the time. that does not mean i need to be less than vigilant and rein in the discussion from time to time, but for the most part, i no longer need to “filter” what i share.
the fact that one upon a time, i had mixed motives, namely trying to be larger than life and that i need to step away for a bit, to allow myself to become right-sized, is part of the growth process of my local fellowship and myself. my need to outshine my peers, has been replaced with being one of the crowd, one voice among many, carrying our fellowship's message of recovery.
i still get emotional when i hear someone say, “the steps are the same” when comparing the various flavors of 12 step fellowships. by emotional, i generally mean angry and sad. over the weekend, i allowed myself to react to that emotion, instead of pulling in what i have learned and educating rather than arguing. it may be true, that the addict i was arguing with had a closed mind and was only there to get his “court card” signed. the fact of the matter, is my shortcomings took over and all of a sudden i was way back when, defending my belief in the path of recovery that has brought me to this place. all of sudden, i was once again, bigger than life and had returned to those heady days of establishing a local fellowship, that could stand on its own, without relying on attendance from those who chose a different path.
this morning, while still a bit disconcerted about my need to return to a set of behaviors that are no longer necessary, i see that as i am getting to the point of understanding where i fit in socially and in the local fellowship, i can still return t how i once was. which means that in this respect i can still be that same person, an intellectual bully and “know it all.” the HOPE in that,. is that i am no longer ignorant to that fact and when i allow the program to guide me, i do not HAVE to act in that manner today. yes, there is a thin line from the zealous recovery bigot, and being part of a unified voice offering a message of recovery, and when i cross that line, i do HAVE pangs of conscience. which, regardless to all appearances the other night, shows that we do recover and so do i.

∞ DT ∞