Blog entry for:

the point where i no longer possess an exaggerated sense of my own importance.
so as usual for a Sunday morning, it has been a few hours since i read this reading and actually got down to writing about it. this lazy day, i could be working, or i could be doing nothing, now that my weekly chores are almost done. i am thinking about taking the rest of the day off and doing squat, and that may not be a bad thing. of course, there was just one more thing i HAD to do, now that is complete as well, so i can think about losing my sense of self-importance.
honestly, and yes i know i use that more than i should but today it fits, anyway, i used to believe that finding my place in the world used to mean, allowing everyone to walk all over me, and doing whatever they asked, even when i was resistant or downright morally opposed to whatever it was they were asking. this pattern, started in active addiction and was strengthened by what i thought i was hearing in the first eighteen months of my recovery. after all, the members in the rooms, kept telling me to act “as if,” and i thought that meant as if whatever they told me to do, was going to save my life. the pattern in active addiction was manipulative to the max, it was acting as-if, i actually thought less of myself and was meant to get whatever it was, that i wanted to get, drugs, money, companionship, or sex. it became so engrained in me, that when those in the rooms, said i had to deflate my overlarge ego, i knew what to do, the same as i ever did, kowtow, and act as if i really believed i was just like them, when all the time, i was quite certain that i was not like them at all.
as the reading states, it was my second journey through the 12 steps, that finally taught me what i needed to know here, that i may not be above the rest of the world, but i am certainly not below it either. i came to believe that i could make a contribution and that my part was to be a part of the whole and not some sort of spiritual guru and know-it-all. as my recovery progressed i came to see, that i am but one of many voices, that fill the chorus of recovering people and the world itself. my voice may add some dissonance from time to time, but it is no less important, to the member who always has the sweetest sounding and most harmonious tune to contribute.
the notion that true humility comes from knowing my place in the world, always sounded like something from the fifties when speaking of races other than Caucasian. i felt for a long time, that it was the members with time that were trying to oppress me, and put me in my place, which was a chair outside of the circle and close to the edge of the oblivion of active addiction, which quite honestly scared the living sh!t out of me. my resentful response, was i will show those fVckers and i worked hard to become a valued and trusted member of the service structure and did my best to make a very BIG SPLASH. as time went by, i realized that they were not trying to keep me down, the lesson that i missed was that in the rooms and on this journey, we are all equals and we all have a song to sing. what i thought was oppression was actually the sound of them welcoming me into a new way of living. what i thought was disrespect was actually giving me the opportunity to find my place in the fellowship and by extension in the world itself. what i lacked in self-knowledge they were trying to give me, by suggesting that perhaps i could behave in a different manner, and as a result my thinking would get better as well.
so those days, are long gone. there are times when a bit of ego deflation is still called for, as i get to the place where i feel that everything would fall apart if i do not continue to step up. honestly, my fellowship survived for nearly fifty years before i came around, and chance are, that if i keep being a part of, instead of the president or director of, it will last at least that much longer. it is my contributions which are as valuable as everyone else's that is of paramount importance not my ego and easily bruised feelings. today, i can be a part of the big picture and stand out every now and again, because after all, that is the nature of being human.

∞ DT ∞