Blog entry for:

i DO however, understand suffering and, in recovery, i will do my best to alleviate it.
well, most of the time anyhow :)
this entry, is one of those that always takes me in a number of different directions. sure i can and probably have written about spiritual awakenings. this morning, maybe i have had another one, namely that I AM worth recovering and doing what it takes to recover. in the meeting last night, i shared about how i felt fifteen years ago, and ten years ago and more importantly how i felt last night. amazing but true, even with some years clean, i still have TROUBLE accepting that i have worth, that i have something to give to others, good bad or indifferent. there are days when i still have the notion that somehow this is all a dream and that when i wake up it will all vanish in a dose of something to make me forget. as i st on the bus, wrapped in a cocoon of music, watching the sun rise, i have the opportunity to truly let go and allow myself the FREEDOM to let it all hang out as it were.
yes it has been a trying a week, and it is only Thursday! i have been stretched to my limits at work, i have a close friend who i have hurt, i am anxious for my new toy to arrive from China, i have sponsees that my or may not be using, i have friends that may or may not be using, and that is just a tiny catalog of the suffering that is part of my corner of the world today. oh yeah, i just had to reconnect to the internet! so what can i do about any or all of that? right here and right now, just whine about it, as i am apt to do from time to time. as the day progresses, well, allow myself to learn the lessons of the past few days at work, let go of the rest and allow my TRUE will to be revealed as the day progresses. the awakening that may be ongoing within me, these days, is that my journey to being worthy, is far from over, BUT it is more than started and in the bell curve that represents my journey, i am more than likely better than average, if were one to be grading on a curve. statistically speaking, i want to move further into the long tail on the better than average side, and as the fourth step i am writing is revealing to me, all that i was in those days, is just that all that i WAS! i could be that man again, BUT today i believe that i am far more valuable than that and as with anything that i cherish and believe to have value, i can take steps to protect it from damage and mitigate the chances of having it stolen, the thief that is active addiction, is always slinking around, waiting for that opportunity. so while i still have a connection i think i will allow myself to sign off and listen to what i need to hear, on the rest of this ride this morning.

∞ DT ∞