Blog entry for:

something larger in my life, seems to be the theme du jour lately. what i am feeling and how i am responding or reacting to those feelings, is quite overwhelming as i provide the kindness of allowing my Dad to die in his home. i know that i have been tap-dancing around that reality, using euphemisms or clever little phrases culled from literature, but the fact is, i have been working up a bit of denial, to cushion the shock of the decision i made and its consequences on me and my siblings. it is tough for me to see my part in this whole process and no matter how i slice or dice it, what is a kindness to my dad, still feels as if i condemned him and pitched him into the bit bucket. my intellect and emotions are in a constant battle that is driving me to distraction. no one ever told me how hard it would be to watch a loved one die by degrees, day by day. owning what i am doing is one of the hardest things i have done and i want to change paths, have him go back to the hospital and start the heroic treatments to save his life.
moving on, as i sat this morning, i felt the effects of my current life, weighing me down as well as buoying me up. that paradoxical duality echoes a constant theme in my recovery: surrender to win. my peers, who have a stronger belief in GOD's plan keep reminding me that all i am going through is for a reason beyond my ken and that reason may never be revealed to me. for myself, i am okay with accepting that what i am going through is just part of the cycle of living and dying that is the human condition. i do not need to attribute this to anything else, but their insights do provide me a bit of comfort as it touches the remnants of the belief system i was cultured into constructing. when i trip into that part of me, i can allow myself to be angry at what seems to be a capricious and totally uncalled outcome for a man who less than a month ago was on his way to reclaiming his life. that allows me to shift the blame off of myself and onto something far more powerful. it would be great to do so, then i remember, that is no longer my way, and i have to own that my decision to bring my Dad home was made with a loving concern about the quality of his life, here at the end. leaving him on the “medical” path, being isolated and alone, while he was poked, prodded and tested, may just have been the easier softer way for me, but how would it have felt to my Dad? each and every day i struggle with that notion and the echoes of that old spiritual path come back, with me desiring to get a “sign” that i have made the best decision possible for everyone involved.
on that note, i think it is time to commit my thoughts to the web, put on my workout togs and pound some of my stress away. the nice part is that as i sweat out the calories i ate yesterday, i get to have some time with nothing going on in my head, save for the quality and quantity of the steps i am pounding out.

∞ DT ∞