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in this moment, as part of the big picture, whatever the heck that may mean. ;) as i start to warm up to the focus of this step cycle and start to make some very conscious decisions about what my recovery looks like and how i act, as a person in recovery, i am floored by how ritualistic and inflexible i can be. it is true that my daily recovery ritual was started way back when and has basically been unchanged since i did my second 10th and 11th steps, over a decade ago, which sounds very strange to my years. my opinion, up until now, has been it is working, why change? i am still of that opinion, BUT, examination does not always lead to change and i am going into this process with an open mind.
one of the big things that has been weighing on my mind, is the fact that many of my peers, with whom i started this gig with, have moved on. couple that with the fact, that i have two peers, who used shortly after they celebrated 20 years clean. one because their life was not all that much better, and they came to the conclusion that is this is as good as it is going to get, why not dip back into a bit of chemical bliss. the other, used to level the playing field with the love of their life at that moment. the first i did not know very well, and so serves to remind me that when i get miserable, there certainly is always an option. if my unmet expectations start to exceed my willingness, i too, will be susceptible to a dip in the pool of active addiction once again.
no it is the latter case that disturbs my serenity the most. i remember quite clearly speaking to them after the deed was done and how clearly and consciously they made the decision to use. it was not a case of the disease of addiction “sneaking up” on them and bushwhacking them in a moment of weakness, it was a flat out decision, as it seems the former case was as well. that is what the disturbing part of this story is, what is it that takes one of us from a fully participating member to a using addict, when there is a long period of abstinence involved, and more to the point, as i just as susceptible? the answer, as disturbing as it may be to me, is an unqualified YES and because of that i am grateful to be looking at my recovery itself, through the lens of the the 12 STEPS.
when i consider those who have left the rooms along the way, i actually have very little guidance as to how their lives are going. i do know that all who come to the program and even stay for a bit of time, are not necessarily addicts, they truly just have a drug problem that needs to be addressed. i would love to throw myself in that bucket, but the only way i could do so, would be to use ➤ just once ➤ just to see if my life becomes unmanageable and addiction grabs me by the nuts again and rules my roost. the danger and the risk is something i used to court and is often the siren's song to trying that little experiment. getting away with it, appeals to my baser nature and adds to the allure of that “just once” sort of experience. to hide that under an avalanche of words and wrap it in the denial of spiritual camouflage, does me little good and certainly does nothing to foster my recovery. so just as i am starting to look down that set of tracks, i get a new look at my recovery, through what is my fifth set of steps. i say that, not to make myself and grander, spiritual or better than my peers, but because i need to remind myself that the steps, at least for this addict, has always seemed to be the foil to the part of me i call addiction. it is not “advanced” recovery, it is just the next turn in the labyrinth of this addict's life.
my character defects have not morphed into assets, my life does not need to be spun in a positive direction. i need not not avoid the less than savory parts of who i am and have been and i NEED to take a critical look about what i am truly powerless over that is not outside of me. i can say my little experiment of trying to switch up meetings did not have the outcome i envisioned. it did not take me away form the hallelujah chorus or ground hog day. what it did do, is show me that i still have the need for instant gratification and am gravely disappointed when that does not come about.. i can see that already this step cycle is going to uncover a few unpleasant facts of my life and i am not quite sure how excited i am to have that exposed to the light of day. just for today, i will do the next right thing, go bridge the gap between my former and brand new corporate mnasters and see what i can get done. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞