Blog entry for:

i may not understand why the world is the way it is, in recovery, i can do my best to change it. when my individual contribution is combined with others, i become an essential part of a grand design.
whew, quite a bit to digest so early in the morning, being part of the BIG picture was never part of my world view, before i came to accept recovery i WAS THE BIG PICTURE! but of course none of that is news, what is news is that as i move along this journey that now has lasted more than three thousand and five hundred days, i am discovering, or better put uncovering the difference between doing recovery and recovery becoming my way of life. a case in point was that i got to speak to my sponsor last night and it seemed that at first i was there more for him than he was for me. the details are unimportant, but what happened, and the way i feel this morning is that i am a vital part of the world and the fellowship that has provided me the means to stay clean on a daily basis. not that the world or the fellowship would collapse if i died right here and right now, and not that i am some sort of irreplaceable part of that microcosm, but i am a part of a much greater whole, that when i participate i can affect some incremental change. i used to fantasize about being rich, famous and powerful. especially the powerful part, and i would go out of my way to exert what little power i had on the world around me. what that usually meant was using my power to make others miserable, because that was all i knew how to do. today, and i mean right this second, i do not wish to be powerful, rather i wish to affect what positive change i can without exerting my will. i have the desire to be part of a greater whole, and i have the desire to be an agent of change for the better. i have the desire to make my little contribution count, you know the biggest bang for my buck, but i will not exercise self-will to achieve that goal. i will just live my life by a few spiritual principles, do what is in front of me and allow the world to spin as it has always done, and that is goal enough for me today.

∞ DT ∞