Blog entry for:

i humbly accept my place in the big picture, well as humbly as possible.
as i approach a deadline, in my full time job as well as in my side jobs, i wonder if i should cancel the meetings i have with sponsees this weekend. as of right now, i have come to believe that i do not have the answer and will plow ahead with my plans as they are right now, allowing the world to spin as it will.
so whenever i use the word humble, i am struck by what some is a contradiction. i have heard it said, that when i share that i am humble or practicing humility, i certainly am not! i currently do not buy into that particular bon mot, as i feel that i can practice humility and actually say something about it, especially when i am sharing about recovery and my life in recovery. the reason i can say that, without qualification, is because the definition i accept of humility today, is knowing my place in the grand scheme of things and acting accordingly. anything more or les, robs me of any personal power have been given by the POWER that fuels my recovery, which for me, is where all my personal power comes from.
i do, however digress, into a topic that i could write volumes about. this morning whet i heard was that i have stuff to do, i have commitments i have to honor, and most importantly i have very little power over what will or will not happen. i am an influence on my little slice of the world, but the further away from my proximity, events and people get, the less power i actually have. as the scale of the picture zooms out, i become part of the whole and my individual effort and actions matter less and less. simply put, the sun will rise or not rise, no matter what i think, or desire. the POWER that fuels my recovery gives me what i need to affect the world around me, and sometimes, i get even more, i get to be a part of the solution a larger scale than just my physical proximity. that is where the humility comes walking in the door and where i have to let my ego go and recognize that amazing things can happen, when i am more than just another addict. when i am a person, a person in recovery and one that is present for the opportunities i GET, than i am part of something more. the two a$$hole rule is in serious effect and i am not it!
this morning GET to write this on the bus, and i have learned my lesson about how to keep from writing this a second time. i am powerless over wireless and mobile connections and need to remember to take the precautions necessary to save my thoughts, just in case. that being said, i have just done so. i like being part of something more, and living each day in recovery, that happens more and more, each day. even though i am way too warm and way too crowded this morning, i can be here and allow myself the pleasure of feeling grateful that i have a job that values me enough to give me more than one way to get there every day. i am grateful that i GET to take a vacation in eight days an i have the desire to get everything i can get done, done. i am grateful that today i did not have to use anything or anyone and i have the opportunity to be a member of the “No Matter What Club.”
yeah, yeah,yeah, i know susie sunshine and not dark and cynical, but that is the beauty of being a whole person, i can be both or neither in any given moment of time.
which brings me to a totally unrelated topic. i have heard it said by other recovering addicts, that somehow they have to keep their addict in check. that their addiction is somehow separate form the whole and requires more attention than some other part of them. for me, that seems like way too much work and quite counter-intuitive. i came to the program a fractured person, with huge walls between each part of my self. i was Sybil without the black-outs. as i recover, i find myself becoming a whole person. the battles between dark and cynical and rah, rah, cis boom bah, is one i need no longer fight. they are both part of the person i am, and need to be expressed as part of the whole. the part of me i call addiction is just the same, the only difference, is that i make a conscious effort to keep that part of me, from doing what it really wants to do, and that is using something, someone and some behavior to change my perception of reality. reality is, addiction is, but most importantly i am, even if i am just an artificial construct of another being's lucid dream. today i am more than the sum of my parts and am grateful for that realization. time to sign-off and get ready to finish my commute to work. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞