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and the **GOD thing,** simply put, means why make a big ado over something that comes naturally to me. of course the irony of that statement does not escape me, as i took fifteen tortuous years to finally “own” a spiritual path and concept of a HIGHER POWER that i had from the start of my recovery, but was willing to embrace. i was certainly one of those who believed that i would relapse unless i had GOD, as in the traditional religious sense, in my life. although that was a journey that i had to take, in and of itself, it was the worst part of my recovery experience, save getting clean.
that path was marked with the FEAR that if i went with what i felt, i would be rejected by my peers. the UNCERTAINTY of staying clean relying on a Higher Power that did not have any human attributes. the DOUBT that it was all about rebelling against how my more conventional peers described their spiritual paths, just so i was “different!” this morning, i am quite comfortable as to where that journey led and can fuss and fume about how long it took me to get there, or let go of that remorse, safe in the knowledge that any other path for this addict would not have worked, as i tried them all. 😉
this morning, as i sat, what kept bubbling up to the surface was, “if it is not practical, it is not spiritual.” all those years of defining, redefining and focusing on what GOD was and was not, was not practical. i was often jealous of my peers who had this issue all figured out and did not need to question or seek any deeper meaning. as i was struggling to accept what i felt, i wondered if i was overthinking it, and the answer is an resounding YES. what i was taught about GOD in my youth did not fit me anymore as an adult and rounding off the corners and creating a different persona for HIM, never worked either. as a result of what i took for me to come to my spiritual “happy place,” i am an ardent believer in allowing and even forcing those whom i sponsor to embark on their own journeys, embracing what they feel and being out loud about their beliefs, instead of hiding them in ambiguous, non-offensive terms, especially when they work with me one-on-one. today, as i prepare to head on out in this spring morning, i am grateful for my journey and certainly accept that i have not “arrived” anywhere, but on the path i have always been walking, even if i could not see it because of the fog of FUD, i created. even though the path may be clear, i still do not know where it is taking me and that is a good thing, just for today.

∞ DT ∞