โ i want to look my past in the face and see it for what it really was โ
Posted: Wed, Apr 27, 2011 09:08:57 AM
so i can release it and live in today. okay, i KNOW the reading zoomed into resentments, and i agree that resentments are part of the toxic past that keeps me sick. i, on the other hand, heard something more, after i got over my fury over my computers rebooting themselves last night, because of some minor update the software company just had to send me. yes there is a bit of heat still burning, when i consider the big picture, i KNOW their pattern, i HAVE this happen the fourth wednesday morning of just about every month, i NEED to be proactive and take care of it BEFORE it happens auto-magically, instead of fuming and fretting about it afterwards. which does go to the heart of the reading, but like what i heard when i listened, this is just barely scratching the surface of what is going on. i have come to the conclusion that resentments are just of symptom of an deeper underlying problem, bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. they surface and pop, allowing me to be angry all over again, because of the unresolved issues i still have with my past.
i really hate that some of the time, well lately most of the time, i read something in the morning meditation and it leads me down a path of uncovery that seems so tangential. here i sat this morning, angry at inanimate objects and a big bad software company, whose nanny policies did exactly what they told me they would do and i had to jump through hoops to get my overnight stuff done. what it boiled down to, is that i FEEL disrespected that they believe that i NEED to have my hand held, so my computers get the updates that are required to keep them up and running and a little more safe from the bad guys out there. of course, that all begs the question don't they know who the fVck i am? of course, i would have just as much self-righteous indignation if my computers got sick because they DID not send me the stuff automatically to keep my computers from getting hacked. so in this case they cannot win, i blame them for their actions either way, and out of all that blame i GET to feel better myself, i get to play my game of degrading others to build my self-esteem, even if that other is a faceless, artificial person called Microsoft. which brings me back to theme that seems to be playing right now, how am i taking care of myself? how am i being good to myself? how am i respecting myself? and how am i treating myself with kindness? all of that is part of my amends to me, living and direct and yet i find myself feeling the same, repeating the same behaviors and still expecting to have way different results. the only part that is less insane, is this morning, i am actually seeing what is going on, and as a result there is HOPE i can move beyond my past. it is true, i am a product of the sum of my past experiences. it is true that my past is a valuable part of what i have to offer my fellow addicts. it is also true, that i need not dwell in the past, and resentments as foul and toxic as they are, are a good indicator that is exactly where i am, living in my past! where do i go from here? well i guess i NEED to write some more on my THIRD STEP, let go of the petty crap that is holding me back this morning and see how i can better become the man i have always wanted to be. it is a great day to be clean and it is even a better day to hit the streets and pound out some of the crap that is rolling around inside my head.
i am grateful for everything recovery offers, even the resentments part, for there is a great way to dispose of them in the her and now, a manner of living that i was so clueless about that it amazes me i survived to make it into the rooms. so off to the streets i go.
i really hate that some of the time, well lately most of the time, i read something in the morning meditation and it leads me down a path of uncovery that seems so tangential. here i sat this morning, angry at inanimate objects and a big bad software company, whose nanny policies did exactly what they told me they would do and i had to jump through hoops to get my overnight stuff done. what it boiled down to, is that i FEEL disrespected that they believe that i NEED to have my hand held, so my computers get the updates that are required to keep them up and running and a little more safe from the bad guys out there. of course, that all begs the question don't they know who the fVck i am? of course, i would have just as much self-righteous indignation if my computers got sick because they DID not send me the stuff automatically to keep my computers from getting hacked. so in this case they cannot win, i blame them for their actions either way, and out of all that blame i GET to feel better myself, i get to play my game of degrading others to build my self-esteem, even if that other is a faceless, artificial person called Microsoft. which brings me back to theme that seems to be playing right now, how am i taking care of myself? how am i being good to myself? how am i respecting myself? and how am i treating myself with kindness? all of that is part of my amends to me, living and direct and yet i find myself feeling the same, repeating the same behaviors and still expecting to have way different results. the only part that is less insane, is this morning, i am actually seeing what is going on, and as a result there is HOPE i can move beyond my past. it is true, i am a product of the sum of my past experiences. it is true that my past is a valuable part of what i have to offer my fellow addicts. it is also true, that i need not dwell in the past, and resentments as foul and toxic as they are, are a good indicator that is exactly where i am, living in my past! where do i go from here? well i guess i NEED to write some more on my THIRD STEP, let go of the petty crap that is holding me back this morning and see how i can better become the man i have always wanted to be. it is a great day to be clean and it is even a better day to hit the streets and pound out some of the crap that is rolling around inside my head.
i am grateful for everything recovery offers, even the resentments part, for there is a great way to dispose of them in the her and now, a manner of living that i was so clueless about that it amazes me i survived to make it into the rooms. so off to the streets i go.
∞ DT ∞