Blog entry for:

of my resentments? if only i could dive into that loophole, as i did, once upon a time. no the days of saying that i did not realize i was resentful, biased, prejudiced, hateful, envious or jealous, are gone for now. i know how to return to those halcyon days, and the question is: do i really want to do that? those glory days of suppression are gone for me, and as a result, i have to take responsibility for all of those so-called “negative” feelings and parts of me. am i resentful towards an addict who insists on holding the meeting hostage, week after week, while they try and get their dollar's worth of therapy? why, yes i am! what then is my responsibility, other than walking up and duct-taping their mouth closed and taking their phone away from them? the reading offers a course of action, let it go! that person has no idea of the angst they cause me, and more to the point have no responsibility to “act” in a manner i deem acceptable. i was taught a long, long time ago, to never allow anyone to chase me out of a meeting because, wait for it, I AM ENTITLED to be there, i EARNED my seat and to give someone that power, diminishes my self in my own eyes. i lose when i leave. so what the fVck am i to do?
well, now that i have nailed what i really am feeling, anger that i have polished into a nice little bright and shiny resentment, i NEED to deal with it in the same manner i deal with all of my resentments, look for my part in it, see what i get and what i pay for holding on with it, and if i want to lighten my load, let it the fVck go. quite honestly, i have been building a case against that meeting for quite some time, this particular addict just makes it that much more pressing to resolve.
my part in it? well i certainly have an expectation or three about what others should share at meetings. those that come from the treatment centers, well they are clueless to start with and have no experience with any sort of recovery, except what their counselors tell them. they are quite easy to let go of, after all most of them do something else at the meeting: Sudoku, knitting, word puzzles or treatment homework. my peers? well even those with very few days clean, seem to catch on that maybe they need to stop puking and actually reach out to other members AFTER the meeting, to develop some relationships. i do remember my early days, when every time i shared i had the desire to shock and awe, and get someone pissed off at me. it was all about “getting a reaction,” rather than really wanting any recovery.i also remember my sponsor taking me aside and suggesting that maybe, just maybe i ought to shut up and listen for a week, as meetings were a daily thing for me, back in those hazy days. looking at my resentment through the lens of who i was, does not make it any clearer what their motives are, but it does make clearer what my feelings are today. a bit of envy, because i will no longer allow myself to play hostage taker at a meeting. and a whole heaping portion of victim-hood and martyrdom, which pisses me the fVck off! i have allowed myself to take on the role of the victim here, because i willingly continue to give away my personal power in this situation and in the end, it is me that i am resentful towards and that other member is the distraction from what i really going on. i can hear the whole dialogue of self-abasement now, and it starts with: “i am better than that…”
got a bit of 10TH step work to do tonight, it appears to me and when i am done, i will see if i really want to hold on to this resentment any longer. is the payoff really worth the pain? time will tell, and on that happy note it is time to sign-off and hit the trail.

∞ DT ∞