Blog entry for:

to let go and allow myself the freedom to walk away from the idiocracy of post-modern living. yesterday, i wrote about neither requiring nor desiring the approval of others, including those on whom i depended on for years to build my self-esteem. i got that approval anyhow, and i am truly wondering if i am being too obtuse and cryptic in what i write here. instead of fretting and fussing about what is not, i will accept what is and move along, knowing full well that my missive did not err in hitting its target, that target is just oblivious to the damage below the waterline. i also guess it is their “right” to live in a world that is so far removed from reality, that they miss the boat on what is going on around them. i see examples of that sort of behavior, every single day, in all sorts of setting where i would not expect it from all sorts of people who should be intelligent enough to know better. this is certainly great material for a very justified resentment or three and i am grateful that the reading this morning, suggested a better manner with which i could respond ⇨ LET IT GO!
as i listened this morning, i my focus kept shifting back to the manner in which i am reacting to all sorts of stuff i have no power over. i know i have the desire to live in a world where i respond, rather than react. i also know that i react because that is the way i have “always” done it. when something happens, that i find less than desirable, my reaction is to hemmer it out of existence, if possible. failing that, to pretend that it never happened, stuffing any feeling that may have arisen as a result of that event. that paradigm kept me in active addiction for far longer than i needed to be and blinded me to the fact that i was killing myself, shot by shot, dose by dose. my denial that anything was wrong with me, kept me from even considering IF something was amiss and the intervention of the justice system was the shock to upset that stasis, and quite honestly nothing has ever been the same.
as i prepare to get out and get some miles under my belt, i have to take a minute to realize that what once was true for me, is no longer true today. the lies i told myself to feed my self-esteem and social acceptability, no longer have any semblance to the truth. those who have interacted with me, for all those days, will continue to see me in that same light and believe they are behaving in a manner consistent with who i am, even though that is not an accurate view of what is. my place is to let go of their shortcomings and accept that they just do not now and perhaps never will “get it.” just for today, with that mantra, i can walk out into the world with my head held high and make eye contact with all of those i encounter, as there is no shame in being who i am today.

∞ DT ∞