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are just as burdensome as any others, my choice today is whether or not to let them go. in my attempts to deflect what i am feeling about myself, i have been sharing quite liberally about two particular addicts who are my peers in recovery. what came to me today, is that they may be doing the best that they can and me being all butt-hurt and angry about how they are not taking responsibility for their recovery has become more than just criticism, i have built and nicely polished up a resentment or two. my attempt at distracting myself from my issues has become fuel for the fire and this morning as i listened i realized i am giving the two of them, far more space in my life than they are entitled to and blaming them for me feeling out of sorts and separated from my peers. the fact is, i have been hiding my resentments behind a smoke screen of spiritual camouflage. being freaking superior as i sit in my nice warm pile of shit.
well, starting this morning, i have started the process of surrendering their wills and their lives into the care of their concepts of a HIGHER POWER and allowing mine to take care of just my will and my life. i want to say <BOOM> all done, time to move along, but of course it never is that easy for me to let go, even when i move into a place of FAITH. surrender is a concept that i resist with far to much gusto. if i cannot name it, i cannot let something go, especially when the “face of GOD” is beyond my power to see and i have to rely on my feelings. i am not good at relying on my feelings and that sucks. the learning opportunity here is two-fold, trusting my FAITH regardless if i can describe what it is that i have FAITH in and taking back the power in my life, at least those things i do have some power over today.
it is true, i resist, i whine, i deflect when given the challenge to look at what it is i am feeling and applying that in my life. as i get everything done for the weekend today, so i have the FREEDOM to be present for my peers tomorrow. the more i get off my lest today, the longer i can let go and be available tomorrow. i know that this is just for today and the plans i am making for tomorrow are out of my control, at least the final outcomes. what i want and what i get, do not always align, so i will let go of what i want and be accepting of what may come, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞