Blog entry for:

i want to rid myself of what is undesirable and set myself free to recover. i am more than the sum of my past experiences, and yet i am still defined my past, including those resentments that i may still be holding on to, form way back in the dark ages of my recovery.
it is true, that my last FOURTH STEP did include a resentment against an entire town and the over 2000 people that lived in and near it. in fact, it was so strong, that when of my friends form that town, and i did not have many, reached out to me, i did not make time to go and see him. now on my NINTH STEP, he returned to town, and i could not make time to see him, which saddened me greatly, as he may need to be on my EIGHTH STEP list, not for what happened way back when, but my behavior of a year ago. that however is a discussion for me and sponsor, after i get back to town and get back in the swing of things once again.
these days, when i deal with resentments, it is getting the men who trust me to sponsor them, to let go of the ones they are holding on to. for me, resentments are just not the worth the effort. i may never go back and visit that town in Minnesota, but i no longer wish it to be wiped from existence with extreme prejudice. in fact, i have come to the place where i recognize who i was and what was going on in my life at that time, and it was a perfect storm of events that led to the resentment. they are who they are, and i was who i was, and the twain should have never met. the energy i put into burying my feelings, suppressing my rage and hating a whole town was incredible, and what did i get out of it? not a damn thing! no peace, no serenity, no outrageous moral indignation, nothing but lost time and energy. what i get today from that, after getting over the anger i feel towards myself for holding on to and nursing such a silly feeling for so long, is a perfect example of how not to do this recovery gig. part of my denial over what i was and am feeling was that i chemically removed my feelings about that time and place from my conscious mind. years of abstinence and recovery, scraped off that chemical cocoon and i ended-up once again, having to look at what it was i felt and worst of all why i felt that way.
as i am approaching the end of my EIGHTH STEP, i see that the only person i hurt was me, and those who really did like me and were my true friends, way back when. that town still exists and continues to move on, with or without me. my relative importance to their history is practically nil, and as i work through the steps their importance to my present reduces to a similar level.
anyhow, it is time to get in the shower and start the process of going home. vacation was wonderful, but time to return to my reality and get back on thee streets where i live. am i resentful that i have to do so? nope, it just is, life is like that. someone has to pay my bills, and since i am responsible today, it will be me. see y'all back in colorful Colorado.

∞ DT ∞