Blog entry for:

having done more than one FOURTH STEP, i have been sitting at the doorstep of my latest one, trying to find any resentments that i may have glossed over, across the course of my recovery. it is true, MOST of my past has been resolved and i have a perspective on it. i still have a resentment or two against myself and i am quite familiar with those. i was pretty certain those were all that were left in that pit of despair. wait for it, wait for it, BUT as i was coming towards the end of my walk yesterday, <BOOM> a whole little pocket of resentments from way back when, were suddenly revealed to me. the worst part of it all, was that as i pondered those little “treasures” i saw that long ago, i decided i was “justified” in holding on to them, no matter what the cost to me. so i guess, i needed this reading this morning, to prod me into starting the FOURTH STEP process.
these days, as i accept that the routine of daily life, will never return to what it once was, i can see that i am far from being accepting of that fact of life in 2020. intellectually, i “get it.” emotionally, not so much, for this world famous isolator, life in lock-down has been far from ideal. i want to be hang with my friends, acquaintances and peers. i want to enjoy a cigar with friends in a comfortable environment. i want to travel without worrying about social distancing and protective devices. i want to have the choice to make my commute into the office. the list of what i want and what i am going to get, can go on and on. the fact is, i RESENT this whole COVID-19 virus and as idiotic as it seems, that little bit of resentment is driving my less than stellar behavior, in all sorts of ways. i am better at diverting my anger than i am at recognizing it, as i have been cultured into the notion that anger is a “negative” feeling and needs to be suppressed or acted upon with extreme prejudice.
right here and right now, i think i will post this up on the inter-webs and head on out, for a brisk walk, to see what i can release and get a better fgrip on life in this real world, just for today.

∞ DT ∞