Blog entry for:

releasing resentments. once again, a trip down memory lane, into the damage my past can do to me in the here and now. i was not one of those that the reading speaks about who buried most of my resentments, or at least i never thought of myself as that sort.
when i got here, i had a list a mile long of ALL of those institutions and people who had done me wrong, and i was quite certain all of those on the list deserved to be on it. none of it was my fault, they all did me so fVcking wrong that i needed to demand retribution and not forgiveness. needless to say, my first two FOURTH STEPS were more than a bit interesting for me. number three was much shorter and compact, but there was once again no issue with me writing out that list, and when i finished that set of steps i was quite certain that all my resentments had been released. as i approached the FOURTH STEP in this set of steps, i was fairly sure that i would be resentment free, and i was almost correct. ironically the most damaging and long-lived resentment was still there. still as raw as it ever was and still filling me with the bile and poison of fear, uncertainty and doubt.
yes a resentment from four decades ago, that covered a whole town and everyone it it. i have written in the past of the nature of this resentment and the passionate feelings that it brought up, when i finally started to work it so i could release it. even my part in creating it. all the elements of a classic resentment and one that i have finally begun to release. part of that process was to reestablish communication with a friend from the very place i detested. most of it, however, was taking a look at what it was, how it happened and if i really needed to carry that burden any longer. the decision i made when i came through my FOURTH STEP, reaffirmed in my NINTH, was it was not worth the cost to me, any longer. that place and the people that lived there were just doing what they always did, and i was an outsider with absolutely no desire to fit into their insular and provincial little world.
the reading today reminds me to look at the here and now. my sponse is retiring and moving further away, and when i started thinking about it, i got pissed off. how the fVck can he do that to me! this morning as i sat and listened, i realized that these days, when i am feeling less than spiritual, i push it down and let it simmer, after all i have yet to lose my desire to appear better than i think i am feeling.when i stop, let the selfishness wash over me, i see that it really is not about me at all. what i am really feeling is the fear of being abandoned. Colorado Springs is not all that much further than Golden. it is not like i hang with my sponse on a daily or even weekly basis and most of our communication is via text and telephone, so nothing is really changing all that much. i can allow this to simmer into a resentment or just see it for what it is, change. change is inevitable and spooky as sh!t for me. what i DESIRE is for this change not to happen and it is my DESIRE that is driving my resentment. recognizing that it is here and seeing my part in it,m is where the reading took me today and it will be on my mind as i journey through this 24. DESIRE is at the root of all my evil today.

∞ DT ∞