Blog entry for:

i want to rid myself of what is undesirable and set myself free to recover.
resentments as liabilities? i certainly did not see them as assets, but i guess i had placed them in some sort of limbo between. after all, some of my resentments were over things that were done to me, in which i had no part, other than being present for the original action. however, those assets have been examined and i believe i have let those go. what the reading speaks to me about this morning are those resentments that i still choose to form, polish, nurture and dig my nails into so i will never let go them. what am i talking about? those resentments i seem to build on a daily basis, the ones based on unmet expectations. there is a line in our book which says, " expectations are premeditated resentments."
as i grow up in this program of recovery i am finally starting to see that the biggest part of the resentments i form and carry are due to a belief system that is out of touch with the real world. that system was formed during my active addiction and the part of me i call my disease uses that self-centered and selfish world view to create yet another reason for me to be pissed-off forever. anger and especially held anger are familiar emotions to me, and among the very few i was capable of feeling when i first got clean, and like some ancient part of my reptilian brain, when the going gets tough i auto-magically revert to that state.
so how does this addict ever expect to get better? well default behaviors are getting replaced as i learn how to live this program. and the part of me i call my addict, the part of me that many call the disease of addiction, gradually loses its influence over my minute by minute behavior. honestly today i still angry, i still get pissed-off, and yes i still form resentments, but i value my sleep far too much to hold on to them for more than a day or so. yes there were three resentments on my last fourth step, and without a doubt there will be three or more on my next, but it is a far cry from the number i carried into recovery and the hope is that as i continue to do this whole recovery gig, i will learn how to replace the process of forming a resentment with something a tad more healthy. only time will tell and it is up to me to do the footwork to allow that to happen!

∞ DT ∞