Blog entry for:

into believing that i was not so sick after all. so when a celebrity new anchor, is not truthful and lies about what he saw and did, it is called embellishment. interesting thought, so when i tell myself that i have no resentments, is that denial, or just embellishment as well. i get that spin is important for those in the public eye, but for me it seems no less important. when i was using i used spin to control the stuff i told myself, so i could present the correctly “spun” person to the world around me. today i realize embellishment to puff myself up and look better than i am, is no different than spinning the story, carefully telling the edit truth or telling a bald face lie, it is all dishonesty and lies. do i feel sorry for Brian Williams, not by a long shot, sooner or later in this day and age, he was bound to get caught, it will be interesting to see what happens, as i am more than certain he has some dirt on his bosses as well. the only nice p[art of not being famous, is that my embellishments rarely get spread further than those who know me, and in my community of peers.
okay, went down a strange path, but one that was not far from what i heard this morning, before reading the news of the world. one of the ways i try and distinguish myself from my peers and predecessors is by not finding the same things they find, when they examine their lives. i became and expert at burying my feelings, especially anger, and carrying a grudge was one of my favorite pastimes, and this was even before i used for real, that very first time. so by the time, i finally started to learn to face my feelings, well after that eighteen month mark when i finally became a member, i was in for quite a shock. i have spoken about tectonic shifts of my spiritual landscape, and this was one of those, rivaling the earthquake in Nepal. revealing the bodies that had been hidden in the elaborate belief structure i had so painstakingly crafted across the course of my years of active addiction. for a time there, i felt that i was nothing but one HUGE resentment and had no value or worth to anyone, least of all myself. even after some time clean and a couple of times through the steps, i am still uncovering resentments that i thought i had dealt with many years ago, for me, that is the beauty of returning to the steps, time and again. the garbage i was unready or unwillinmg to recognize, such as a resentment towards a whole town in Minnesota, arr revealed in all their glory, and can be put into proper perspective finally, no matter how shabbily i though i got treated, was back when. the truth is, that like Brian Williams, i “embellished” that story to show myself in the best light, and to demonize every other participant in that story, and GOT to keep that fire smoldering for nearly forty years. the lies and denial i fill my story with, at one time was incredible, even today, i spin a yarn or two and have been kn own to embellish a good story. today however, i have a program and system of beliefs that do not allow me to do so for very long. i have found it is easier, to not lie, embellish or spin, in the first place, rather than having to go back and own the lies i told. that night in Little Ferry, NJ, true. all the details, the strip bars, the purchase of substances the laying on the couch listening to the consumption of the drugs i had paid for, all true. the feelings of desperation and the first time i ever had the desire not to use, true as well. as far fetched as that all seems, and especially the part of remaining abstinent even when i had no desire to use, and no particular desire to stay clean, goes to show how delusional i can be. the more i examine that night and the events leading up to it, the more i see how i can help those who are in the same situation now, between losing the desire to use and gaining the desire to stay clean. for me, it explains almost nearly everything i did and felt for those eighteen months and why some of us make it and some do not. has i used that night,m and got away with it, i would have never been on the path i am on now. that sobering thought, does make me grateful that just for today, i can look for a resentment or three and see them for what they are, a weight of my spiritual self and readily disposable..

∞ DT ∞