Blog entry for:

who cares for me and will do for me what i find impossible to do for myself.
this reading takes me to all sorts of interesting places, as the scattered nature of my morning meditation, shows. i was capable of settling in and listening, in fact it was a great 10 minutes of so, of low level internal dialogue, however, upon getting back into the swing of things, i was left with a bunch of ideas swirling around in my head, which i am now getting a chance to sort out.
one of the first ones to pop off the stack, is the whole concept of the POWER that fuels my recovery having a sick, twisted or perverse sense of humor. i hear that a lot from those i share my recovery with, in many different ways and themes, the most popular being: “if you want to hear GOD laugh, make plans.”
i for one, have remove any human traits from the how i view the POWER that fuels my recovery, so assigning any sort of sense of humor to such a force is just so wrong to me, that i cringe on how that was such a large part of my definition back in the day. in fact, it took time for me to reassign what i thought was punishment from that POWER to application of something that was good for me. since, in my current paradigm that POWER does not have a sense of humor, how could IT possibly laugh? more to the point, what i have learned is that it is certainly okay for me to make plans, in fact i am encouraged by the success of my previous plans to do so. what is not okay for me to do, is to plan my life based on what i think the outcomes may be. yes, i can project, BUT i need to be present to see if the outcome i desire, is actuality on track for actually coming about. in other words how does my current plan align with that of the POWER that fuels my recovery. in this context a better bromide may be, at least for me, “man proposes, God disposes.”
which brings me to the second theme that emerged from my quiet time this morning. if all of that is true, namely the POWER that fuels my recovery being beyond my ability to ascribe human traits to It, how can i be certain It will care for it, and if i cannot be certain of being cared for, how can i ever surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER. here is where the FAITH that i have so grudgingly acquired comes in. since i deal in a world where i NEED to see evidence before i can start to believe, i look over my life for evidence that SOMETHING kept me safe, until i finally GOT it. after all, one does not use in the manner i used for 25 or 26 years and survive for very long, much less for long enough to have a chance to recover. yes, i was so fVcking pissed at GOD for the event that brought me to recovery, for quite some time. looking at it today, i can see that it was not only necessary, it was the easier, softer way, after all, it could have been that gave Andrea that fatal dose. my part is so peripheral, and the consequences so out of proportion for my part in it, that it could have only been through the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery that arranged for it to happen. someone else's self-will run riot, led to my being placed at the foot of my journey in recovery, and that the POWER that fuels my recovery could use that event to propel me into a life that was beyond my most deranged and wildest dreams, is quite a strong piece of evidence on which to build my FAITH. how do i know that it was self-will run riot? the primary party in the original affair has done the same thing again, only this time, he dropped his victim off at the emergency room like a piece of garbage, not realizing that he was videotaped doing so. twice sure looks like a pattern of behavior to me, and i am grateful that when given the choice i moved out of that life, cut myself off from him completely and proceeded to find a way to live as an actively recovering addict.
which of course finally brings me to the point of the reading. i am certain today, that if i choose to give up my choice, the POWER that fuels my recovery, will make the choice for me, in a manner that may not be to my liking but whose eventual disposition will be exactly what i need to happen. i can moan and wail about not having what i want, or about not being where i want to be, but in the long run, wailing , moaning and gnashing of my teeth will not do anything constructive, and will not even make me feel any better. today i choose to take responsibility for my life and see where i can go as a result. today i choose to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to speak to me, and i choose to listen to the best of my ability. today i choose to be a partner with that POWER instead of feeling like IT's victim. today i choose the path that will allow me to stay clean for this particular slice of 24 hours.
so off to the showers and into the stuff i NEED to get done today. it is a good day to walk in the light of recovery.

∞ DT ∞