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my life has been full of that lately, starting with feeling physically ill, yesterday. no fever, no body aches, just felt run-down and less than physically tip-top. from the news that my job is expiring in thirteen months, to the reaction of my company to hose the rank and file, as they batten down the hatches during the pandemic, to this whole COVID-19 lock down and shut down, my life in the past forty-five days has been one unexpected change after another. i am beginning to grow weary and wondering when some calm will reappear. looking at what GOD is doing for me, these days, i do not see a whole lot of benefits trickling down my way, and it makes it difficult for this addict to see the “blessings” in his life. so i do what i have done for the past few thousand days since i got clean: i wake-up, look to do the next thing correctly, rely on what i feel and do my best not to make a mess of my life and the lives that surround me. WAH-WAH-WAH 😭 😭 😭
not too much HOPE in what i have jotted down this morning, and quite honestly, i do not feel all that hopeful, right here and right now. plodding along and pretending everything is just peachy keen is not my style, and feeling a bit sick is not doing a whole lot to elevate my outlook on life today. the question than arises, what exactly did i “hear” this morning? the answer is, not a whole lot. in fact for a change nothing popped off the stack, no feeling what to next was revealed, nor did i get any significant insights into who and what i am today. today it was just quiet, and that is a HUGE change for me. that lack of specific direction is a bit disconcerting and maybe, just maybe i need to look at it as one of those “not yet,” sort of answers that i get from the POWER that fuels my recovery. maybe i just need to persevere through what is happening in my life and have a bit of FAITH that stuff may be actually happening beyond my ken. maybe the recruiter is going to call with an interview, maybe there is a position opening up for me that has yet to be revealed, maybe i had COVID-19 and am now in the “recovered” camp and whether or not any of that is true, perhaps allowing myself the FREEDOM to breathe, rather than spin, is what i need to do.
the next right thing? well for this addict i think it is time to hit the concrete and get some steps in. i think it is time to let go of my expectation and use the gift of quiet i received this morning, to center and calm myself. i think it is time to be grateful that i have the means to pay my bills and live in a very comfortable lifestyle. i am not on a ventilator, nor am i having difficulty breathing. i have the desire to stay clean, just for today. all in all, not a bad lot to carry with me, into this last day of April.

∞ DT ∞